I wasn’t sure I was going to talk about this.  It wasn’t the first time it’s been on my mind… though I am not all 100% how I feel about it.  To say I have mixed feelings about it… would be completely accurate.  Am I upset… no, I don’t think I am.  Uneasy… maybe a little.

Last night Ben and I were playing.  Friday nights have become some what of a worship my Owner night.  I look forward to those nights… where I focus on him… pleasing him.  I get a great sense of satisfaction and pleasure from worshiping his cock… its a win win situation.  Anyways… so last night.. we’re going about our thing.  He always watches porn when we do this.  This in itself has never bothered me.  Before I met him I had fantasies of pleasuring a man while he watched porn… to be merely a instrument of his pleasure.  A means to an ends… where he doesn’t have to actually do anything but find the porn that does it for him.  Now I get to live that out on a regular basis.

There has been times when we’ve had this setup… and he has been on his phone texting off and on.  Sometimes… it doesn’t bother me.  I go about what I’m doing and focus on him.  It’s his right to do as he pleases… however he pleases.  If he wants to be chatting to someone else while I blow him… he can.  I’m here for him.  But then there’s those nights it doesn’t sit right with me.  It’s those nights that makes me wonder who he’s talking to… what they are talking about.. and I get a distinct feeling he’s sending pictures or videos to them.  It makes me uneasy to some random person is seeing such a private moment shared between us two.

I, of course, never ask… as I think I’m happier not knowing.  It doesn’t hurt me… and I trust him.  I know he’d never do anything that would hurt me and I am sure that anyone he did share with he would trust.  Still, a part of me has a little twinge of jealousy.  He’s sharing a moment I am not a part of with someone else… using his situation to cause arousal in someone else.  It differs from the porn… porn is one sided.  The porn doesn’t get something from the viewer like the person on the other side of those texts do.  Don’t get me wrong.. I’m not mad… I have no issue with him talking to other people.  We came to that agreement a long time ago.  That doesn’t change that I am a person with emotions and sometimes that emotion  is jealousy.  Luckily… that doesn’t come out very often.

I think sometimes that when this happens I tend to detach myself a little.  I still do my best to do my job so to speak but it’s hard not to pull back a little out of self preservation.  There’s that thought in the back of my head that says if he’s not interested in just what I’m doing then I can shut myself off to that.  It may not be the right thought process… but it happens.  I work hard to keep myself from doing it… to stay in the now and stay focused on the task of giving him pleasure the way he wants it.  Not how I want it.  I have this inner battle… one that delights in giving him what he wants how he wants it… and the other that wants him to wallow in me.  I want him to be absorbed in me… what I am doing without needing the outside stimuli.  The fact is, it’s not going to change.  I am no worse for the wear.  I will always give him what he wants if it is within my power.  I want nothing more than to make him happy however I can.

But still.. I have mixed emotions.  I don’t know if it is something I need to work on… or if it’s just something that is.  I don’t think it’s unhealthy for me… I am not hurt by it.  I’m not up at all hours worrying over it.  I just think about it.. analyze it.  I love figuring out things… the way I work… the reason people do what they do.  Sometimes I think that we just have to experience stuff… its the way we learn things.  And so.. I experience this.. and will continue to experience it if he so wishes.  I’m sure there will be times I’m enjoying it.. and sometimes that aren’t as delightful to me.  Either way… it’s out there now.  Some of the darker inner most workings of our minds are the hardest to share.  Putting myself out there is hard… I just tell myself that not all of life is sunshine and daises… but it doesn’t make it any less exhilarating. It is life.. and we are living it to the fullest.

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