The other night Ben had promised me a much needed beating.  I hadn’t had a good spanking in like two weekends… and so I was very much looking forward to it.  I had a rough day at work… busy wise.  I worked my tail to the bone… and was more than a little stressed out… yes… I was going to need that beating indeed. In the back of my  mind I sort of just wanted to skip the beating and just focus on him, but I knew that was just because it had been a couple weeks.

By the time Ben got home, I was tired but wasn’t going to let that deter our plans.  After a shower we headed to the living room to get our play on.  When we got to him caning me… it was hard… there was no warming up.  It was like he broke into a sprint without stretching.  I was ready for it to be over and it had barely began.  Tears poured out of my eyes… it hurt… a lot.  I felt unconditioned… that the few weeks that we had ceased had caused my tolerance to dwindle drastically.  Maybe it was that…. or maybe it was because he was pushing so hard… or maybe it was even that I was worn out mentally and physically from a long grueling work week.  Whatever the reason, I was not handling this well at all.

Part of me felt ashamed that I wasn’t taking it in stride… showing him how much I can handle.  Part of me just wanted to just be done and move onto pleasuring him.  And part of me had a light bulb moment.  For a long time now, I’ve craved being sexually dominated… I love it.. its so much a part of who I am.  But maybe, there is more to it.  Perhaps all along it was more than that… that my longing to be sexually submissive was so that I could get the dominance I needed… the control I needed.  I think now that control is being sated in other ways… (ie everyday life)… it takes away that need to be beaten.  Okay, let me restate that…. it takes away the edge…. that overbearing need to have my ass spanked till it’s sore.  I don’t think I will be a change in that desire anytime soon.

It just seems like to me my focus is becoming more about him… more about wanting to please him.. pleasure him in any way that I can.  I get such a high from it…. that making him feel good.  It’s amazing.  I mean… it makes us both feel good, how can that be a bad thing?  Of course this could just be a phase I’m going through.  Our D/s relationship is still fairly new… with a mere eight months in… so it could still be the adjustment to the change we’ve made.  It could be I’m letting go more… letting go of that need to hold onto power.  Release is amazing…  in most any form it comes.  I’d like to think this is me growing as a submissive… embracing the role I’ve taken on in our marriage.

For now, I’m going with it and trying not to over analyze it.  It’s just a curve in the road of our journey…  one that is different than before.  I’ve always loved pleasing him, but I think its different for me to put his needs completely before my own.  It feels good.  I’m sure at some point my overwhelming need to have a good beating will return.. probably not too far off in the distance.  In any case, he’s in charge and he will beat my ass as he sees fit- hopefully with a little warm up next time. 🙂