I struggle with the fairness of it all.  I struggle with the uneven balance of D/s.  Not always… but often enough that it’s a problem for me.  I can go about doing the things expected of me… rules and all…. but when I’ve had my fill of doing lots of things… I focus on expectation.  I am still so hard wired to expect him to do things.. specifically some of the things he asks me to do that he himself could easily do.  There’s that little nagging voice in my head that says, “Why can’t you? Are your legs broken?”.  Of course I don’t actually say those things… but they are there nevertheless.

Case in point… my youngest daughter has a cold.  At night she has these terrible coughing spells that keeps not only her, but us up as well.  I’ve dosed her each night with some night time cough medicine but at some point it wears off and she wakes up coughing.  Last night was no exception.  I was woken to the sound of her hacking her lungs out at around 12:20 am.  No you see, I am not a morning person… nor do I enjoy my sleep being interrupted… and so it makes me grumpy.  I try to hurry and fix the issue and head back to bed before I’m too awake.

While I focused myself on what was going on…. I realized how hot I was. The house was really warm… as was Ben’s body.  Let’s not mention the pile of blankets on the bed.  I got up and got her some water… attempted to shuffle her around in bed to see if that would calm the coughing.  I went and turned the heater down.. then returned to bed.  I would repeat this several times for the next hour before deciding to give her another dose of medicine (the eight hours hadn’t passed, only four).

By then I was beyond frustrated for all of us.   We were all apparently really tired and I can only imagine how she felt coughing so much.  As I looked at the clock, 1:30 am had rolled around.  I got back up again… and told her to come with me.  We grabbed her pillow and blanket then headed to the glider rocker in the living room.  I was hoping having her sit up and sleep would ease the coughing spell.  Sure enough… it settled down almost immediately.  The only problem was that now I was wide awake.

As I returned to bed… Ben asked me to turn the heater down.  I told him I already had…. in which he responded that he heard it come on again.  I wasn’t thrilled about it… I was doing all the work taking care of the kiddo.  In my mind… I couldn’t see why he just couldn’t get up and help.  We are a team after all.  I didn’t want to argue with him.. as I knew I would lose.  I got up… probably a little huffy about the whole issue and turned it down more.  I returned to bed… and lost all self control of my emotions and behavior.

I didn’t lay down.. I sat there.  He asked why I wasn’t laying down… I told him it was in case someone else needed something from me.  It was really snotty… and not so good of me.  He laid there for a few minutes not replying before he asked why I was still sitting up.  I responded in another bratty fashion… I was thoroughly annoyed with him.  Me being annoyed or upset really didn’t matter. I shouldn’t have shown him attitude… I knew that very well.  Before I knew it.. his hand was grabbing the back of my hair and pulling me down to him.  His other hand grabbed my chin and set me straight.

Of course, this isn’t where it ended.  I laid down… more upset than ever.  It was hot… and I was mad.  I threw a tantrum… a quiet one…. and left our room for the couch.  I didn’t want to sleep next to him… it was too hot anyway I told myself.  As I laid down… silent tears filled my eyes.  I tried not to sob.  I was angry and hurt.  He was being an asshole, that much I was sure.  Ben followed me… asking me what I was doing then ordering me back to bed.  I protested, but he won out.  I was escorted back to our bed.

Once we got there, he apologized for being grumpy.  Grumpy or not.. we both knew I was out of line.  I continued to be angry through the night… then butt hurt this morning.  We both apologized for being grumpy.. and I stated why I did what I did.  He didn’t really reply to it… and instead decided to move past it.  It took me a little longer to get over it than just that… but by the middle of the day, I was right as rain.

So… was it fair?  No.. it wasn’t.  Does it have to be? No… not at all.  Should he have gotten up and turned it down himself?  In my eyes, yes.  In reality… no, he shouldn’t have to.  It would have been nice of him to, but he isn’t obligated to do so.  And this is where I struggle.  That sense of entitlement gets me every time.  It’s not fair that he can stay in bed while I have to get up yet again.  It wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle… surely he should have to help me out.  Rationally I know that he can do as he pleases… but I’m so used to expecting stuff as an equal partner it’s hard not to get mad when stuff like this happens.

Now don’t get me wrong…. Ben does a lot of stuff around the house. He helps me with a lot of stuff.  There are just times he doesn’t want to.  We don’t have a vanilla marriage where everything is an equal load.   D/s is designed to be uneven…. but benefit each partner.   Because of this… he doesn’t have to do something if he doesn’t want to (task wise).  If he doesn’t want to get up and get himself a drink… then he doesn’t need to, that’s what I am here for.  I’m here to serve him however he wants… even if I don’t want to do said task. I still feel the same way…. and am still happy we made the choice to enter into this dynamic.  Yes, I struggle… I struggle with a couple things.  Instead of letting those challenges defeat me.. I choose to take them head on… to face them and work through them.  I won’t let it define my submission to Ben.

At the end of the day, I’m glad he is committed to our marriage.  I’m glad that he is holding up his part of it…. holding me to what I asked for.  He’s trying to help me be a better person.. a better wife.  I feel lucky to have that… to know that even when I’m being a pain in the ass… or when I’m upset… that he will be my rock I break myself against.  He’s not going to let me get too far out of control… he will always be there to yank the leash and set me straight.  I am glad he is that strong… that he can control me and keep me in check.  That’s what I’ve needed all along.

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