I was going to write something different…. I had started something different… and it wasn’t flowing. And then today… this came to me… it was situational. It fit. So here goes.

I find it interesting how easily I can share my most private secret here on my blog. I share it easily on Fetlife… I share it easily with other people I’ve met via the kinky community. I wish it was that easy to share with people out in the vanilla world. I wish I could tell them.. my husband and I live a D/s lifestyle… no it’s not weird… and yes we’re happy. I wish it was easy as telling them… hey we are pregnant.. or hey we’re getting married. I wish it was as socially accepted. I wish it was as socially understood.

The fact is… it isn’t accepted or understood. As women, we should want to be masters of our own universe. We should want the career and the family. So many shoulds… this world we live dictates now. This all because women’s liberation came about. Now don’t get me wrong… women’s lib is awesome. I think everyone should be free to live their life how they want, obviously. The problem I have with it is that it’s been taken to an extreme. It’s become something where all woman should want to be totally independant and so on. If that’s what floats your boat… awesome. That’s not the case for all women though. There are some women that want a man to be in charge. There isn’t anything wrong with either. I love that we are able to have the choice… I just hate that if you aren’t conforming to this modern vision of how women should be, then there’s something wrong with you. I don’t see what is so wrong with doing what works for you.. for your relationship. And why should I feel like I have to hide the way our relationship is structured? Why should feel like I would be judged?

Now why is this in the forefront of my mind right now? Today a good friend of mine and I were talking.. we work together. We were talking about crazy kinky sex. For some reason, I said something of the tune that there is a lot I hold back… that’s not necessarily about kinky sex. I told her it was more about mental stuff. She was interested.. told me I didn’t have to hold back, that even if she didn’t understand (because I said most people don’t), that she would try to. It really doesn’t surprise me that she’d say that. She’s really open minded and not judgmental… and yet even knowing that.. I couldn’t bring myself to actually tell her about our relationship dynamic. I wanted to… but she said she wouldn’t push. I just couldn’t. Once that can of worms is opened, you can’t reseal it. I’m not ready to pry open that container yet even though it’d be awesome to have someone more vanilla that I know to talk to.

In past history I’ve had pretty lucky with the things I’ve shared with my vanilla friends. Of course, the things I’ve shared are just our kinky sex stuff. That stuff is much easier to share. I like rough sex.. that’s how they see it. I may be a freak… but it’s not that strange to them. Telling them my husband owns me… yeah… that wouldn’t go over nearly as well. I remember a while back I shared with a friend my love of spanking and such. His reaction wasn’t what I expected.. and truth be told.. it really hurt my feelings. I really don’t want a repeat of that. It’s really hard to not be accepted by someone you call a friend… or family member.

I’m not ashamed of my relationship… not one bit. I wear my collar out in public all the time… even in front of my friends and family. They don’t realize what it is though…. simply because it doesn’t look like a collar. I guess what it comes down to is not wanting to being judged… not being understood. I try to accept everyone… no matter how their life is. It’s hard sometimes.. but I do try very hard. I wish more people felt that way… that would go out of their way to try to comprehend a little better. Just because something doesn’t align with their set of standards doesn’t make it wrong or weird. That’s the great thing about being human.. we are all so different. It’s high time we try to embrace each other for those differences instead of shunning them for their uniqueness.

Will I tell her? Probably… one day. The best thing about her… is I know I’m scared for no reason. She’s one of the coolest people I know. It’s just my own worries I have to get over…. my own fears.

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