The other day I got it in my head I was going to surprise Ben with a story. I almost never do this.. and was almost sure he’d enjoy it. I had formulated the story laying in bed the night before… all that was left is to put it down in black and white. Forgive the crudeness… I just wrote from my heart.. err… loins? By the time I was done writing… I was a ball of horniess that was almost impossible to quench.

It’s early… the alarm rings signaling that your night of sleep is over. You hit the snooze a few times…. you’re not ready to get up. I roll over and cuddle up behind you… my arm draped over your chest.  You feel my body pressed against you… my tits kissing your back.  You feel a familiar arousal building… but you really need to use the bathroom.  You sigh as the last snooze screams out.. you turn off the alarm and leave the warmth of the bed.  As you get up… I pull your pillow to me and sigh… still in the depths of sleep. You go off and do your bathroom stuff and return to our room shortly.  I’ve not moved… still facing your side of the bed.  The light glows from the other room… you can see my back exposed.  The arousal overtakes you again.  You’re torn.. you know how much I love my sleep… but on the other hand… you’re horny.. and you want me.  There’s the internal battle of being my sweet husband… and being my Owner.  It’s your right to get pleasured at your leisure you tell yourself… but I’ll be super tired later if you interrupt my sleep.  Finally after debating it.. you say fuck it…. it’s not always about my comfort… this is about you and what you want right now… its not like you wake me often.  Your cock stands at attention… the idea of taking what is yours.. to satisfy your needs is intoxicating. You lean over the side of the bed… then poke my lips with  your cock. I am a bit startled at first as you still keep rubbing your cock on my lips. You tell me to get up… brush my teeth quickly… that you don’t have a lot of time. I groggily stumble to the bathroom.. following your direction. I use mouthwash to go a bit quicker and return to you now on your knees waiting for me to suck your cock.  This will be short and quick…. this isn’t about me… or my pleasure.. it’s about you getting off… relieving the lust you have. I take your cock into my mouth… still sleepy… but determined to satisfy my Owner. I start sucking… slow at first.. your balls in my hand… but you don’t have time for that… and grab my hair in your hand… guiding my head up and down faster.  I get the picture and adapt your preferred pace.  I pull out all my tricks to make you cum.. I suck you only how I know to do… that special way that always makes you weak in the knees.. that brings the cum that I so desperately want to taste now.  You can feel the orgasm building… its nice to be able to only focus on yourself and not worry about my pleasure. It turns you on immensely actually.  Just that one thought… with my lips expertly working you over finally pushes you over the edge… and as you explode in my mouth.. you push my head down on your cock. I swallow every drop of you cum… before you pull out and pull the covers back up over me, telling me to go back to sleep. I am all sorts of turned on.. sleeping will be impossible. I lay there as you dress… almost squirming. You come to me to kiss me bye and I ask if I can cum. You tell me what a good girl I was.. but this was about you… so no, I wouldn’t be cumming. I should reveal in the fact my Owner used me for his pleasure and that he was very satisfied with me. You kiss me… and we say good bye. You walk out of the room.. smiling and feeling much better.”

When he finished reading it… he sent me a text telling me he loved it. We talked about our favorite parts and such… mine being the end where he left me to squirm in my own desire. Ben told me out of all my struggles with my submission, he is sure that this is one of my biggest.  It’s hard for me to be utterly turned on… and not be able to cum. Don’t get me wrong… I love pleasuring him… giving to him. It makes me happy that he is satisfied, but there is a part of me that feels that I should be able to have an orgasm.. even if I know I am not entitled to such things. Allowing me to cum is at his discretion… and is by no means something he has to do.  He allows me to cum often (I’m very lucky in that fact) because he knows how it messes with me when I go long periods of times without getting off.

He is right though.  Its a inner struggle for me… to be selfless when he wants… to be selfless all the time.  It’s difficult for my brain to give over my needs to him… to let him prioritize those.  I know he is capable of taking care of me and meeting my needs, if I didn’t feel that way… I would have never entered into an agreement to be his completely.  We would have carried on like we always had… but that is not what either of us want. We want to work on getting my brain to give more… to think less of myself… to let him essentially take care of his property.  It is a huge task for not only him.. but me too.

The thing is, I find it so sexy to be left hanging… but it tends to make me grumpy. I try not to be upset.. to take it out on him… but the truth is… I do sometimes. I’m dealing with it.. but I need his help. I don’t want to be put out by him not wanting to reciprocate… honestly, he just plain doesn’t have to.  He allows it because he knows it’s good for me.  In the same thought, though, it’s good for me to not always get my way. I’ve always been one that got my way in my relationships.  I was the girl in charge… and it was a disaster each time. So now we have to line up the girl that wants to submit to her Owner… that wants to give her all to him… and accept his decisions with grace… with the girl that can’t handle not having things her way.  History has shown her.. if its not her way.. it’s not going to get done and certainly not the right way.  It’s hard to reprogram those feelings that are so deeply en-ground.

Giving over your will completely is a process… and takes work on both sides. Half the battle is my wanting it… and recognizing my issues that need to be dealt with. Will I get over being upset about not getting to cum every time over night? Heavens no. Will it happen? Totally.  I hope that some day it will be able to handle being told no and not bat an eye at it.  I hope that it will be as easy as being told I can’t have soda, but even if that doesn’t happen… I hope that the inner struggle will not be as troublesome.