On December 30th…. Ben gave me a task…

“Throughout the day I want you to think about and then write down how you feel about your submissiveness so far, and where you would like it to be in the next year. Things you feel you do good on and things you need to work harder on”

This wasn’t a hard task as I feel I know myself pretty well. I don’t have a hard time normally seeing flaws in myself… thought admitting them sometimes isn’t the easiest thing ever. It didn’t take me long to figure out the answers to his prompt. I think, though, I focused more on what I need to work on than what I do right. That isn’t because I think I do very little right, because I know I do… it’s because I really wanted to convey to him that I see my fault.  I wanted to do this well… because honestly, they should be fixed.  And where as I could most likely fix them on my own… his help would be most beneficial. I am not alone this.. he is my leader.

So by that night I texted out all I had to say and sent it his way before heading out to a bridal shower I was invited to.  It’s interesting to me… the level of nakedness of my soul I can offer to him…. how I barely bat an eye at it.  I can just belt out all the blemishes in my being and no feel judged.  I can be honest about my feelings… my thoughts… and know that I am safe in doing so.  Chances are he already knows his own answers to his task, but giving him mine  can not only confirm but maybe also bring some things to light he wasn’t aware of.  All that’s left is waiting for a hopeful response to my acknowledgment.

“I think in general, just as other things… my submission comes in waves.  I feel more submissive and obedient some days than others. It’s always in my mind though… I always want to give my all.  There are plenty of days I feel like I could be more submissive though an dI find myself feel like an ass when I feel I’ve overstepped my place.  Though I think… he didn’t say anythingso it must not matter.  But it does. I wish I could step back from the control freak that I am.. and just be more surrendered more often.  I think a little bit of control goes to my head and it’s hard to stop myself.  I think its my biggest challenge. Letting you be the leader.. and not wanting everything done my way… on my terms… when I want it done.  I think my expectations of how I expect you to behave and do for me aren’t realistic. It’s that switch over from being just a married couple to being a married couple in a D/s relationship.  I’d really like to get a better grasp on this… learn to accept that it’s your way.. within the next year.  I know its a process but I’d really like to be better at this.  Sometimes I have this idea of the submissive I should be and forget that doesn’t matter.. what you want me to be is.  I think it’s because I so badly want to give my all  to you.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just playing a part and not really living what seems like D/s to me… which goes back to my unrealistic expectations.  As for what I do well… I think I follow direction pretty well…. and have become rather good at following the few rules you’ve set out for me.  Yes I’ve stumbled a few times but I feel good about it.  I like to think I take good care of you.. and that I put you and your feelings into everything I do.”

And so, there it is.  That’s my soul right there in a little chunk… the ugly truth.  I’m not the perfect submissive… I get snippy… and don’t always want to do all the things that are required of me.  I wonder how the inner change will come about.  I’ve been hard wired to be this person for almost three decades now… and changing that… seems so hard.  I want it come about though.. so maybe that will help cause it to come.  I feel like we’d both be much happier if I wasn’t so hard headed all the time.  That’s the goal for me… and I would think for Ben as well…. being happier (even if we are pretty damn happy now).

I wish I could have been in his head when I read it though… to see his thought process. I’d like to have seen if he was nodding his head in agreement… to see if he was impressed by my view of myself.  I’m always so curious about what he thinks of how I act and things I say.  His response was short and sweet.  He liked what I said… and thought I did a good job at looking at myself objectively.  I wanted more… some more insight with his thoughts… but this is what I got. I would end up bringing it up again that night just to touch back on it.

So I think this is what we will work towards this year…. growing in my submission with him.   I think I’ve come a distance so far and know that I can continue down this road… growing as a wife and submissive.  I have no idea how we’re going to get to this shared goal… but we will weather it and hopefully come out on the other end closer to what we want. 

Advertisements