I love Christmas… always have.  This specific Christmas season has been particularly stressful for me. I haven’t had much time to blog… but as required.. here I am.. posting my weekly entry. Between work, kids, school concerts, dentist appointments, and shopping I feel spread thin. I can appreciate being busy but this is a bit much. We have been busy everyday for the last week… with one thing or another. It’s exhausting.

All that’s been on our plate has left little time for time to connect with Ben. It’s been weeks since we’ve played… I can feel it’s toll. I feel how uncentered going so long without a spanking has made me.  It’s weird how it plays with my emotions… how it causes me to feel down. It’s hard not to lash out… to be grumpy with him. Trying to tell him what I’m missing… what I’m needing without it sounding like I’m lashing out at him… blaming him… making him feel guilty.  It’s not my intention.It’s not his fault.. any more than it’s mine. Time has not been on our side. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss it… that I don’t need it. It doesn’t change how it effects me.

This disconnect we’re in makes us feel like we aren’t on the same page. We are both equally frustrated with the lack of time we’ve had for one another and when we try to express that… it comes out all wrong. We get defensive… and then our feelings get hurt. It’s so rare that we don’t communicate well it’s a very odd feeling.  One of us says something that hurts and so the other ups the ante.. and before we know it.. we’re completely upset with one another.

For me personally it makes me feel defiant. Thoughts of how I can show him run wild in my brain… the little things I can do to show I don’t need to submit to him when I’m mad… it’s not fair by any means, right?  Even if I should submit… I certainly don’t want to.  Times like these make it very hard to be humble… to stick with what I committed myself to.  These thoughts are short lived though. I know it makes no sense to do anything like that.. because all it would do is make the situation worse. Not only would be farther from reconnecting.. but then I’d also be in trouble, leaving him upset and disappointed in me.  So even when I’m upset with him… I have to follow his lead.

So after a full day of being in a funk… not wanting to open up to him because I feel the need to protect myself we laid in bed.. and he coaxed me out of my shell. The whole thing is silly really… because I don’t need to protect myself from him… he’s the one I can always lean on (even if he forgets from time to time that he can lean on me too).  There was tears.. lots of talking… and cuddling. It was much needed… a time for us to be together.. alone with nothing else going on but each other.  Now we just got to make it through Christmas and things should settle back down obligation wise.

I’ve known it for a long time, but the last week has proven to me again how important communication is. Without it… things break down fast especially when there’s stress involved. Relationships take work… every day.  I have faith in our marriage… we always regroup and come out stronger on the other side.  I’m glad that we can resolve issues before they get so huge we can’t dig ourselves out of it.  I love how good we are together… how there isn’t anything we can’t overcome. But most importantly I love how I can always depend on him to make me open up to him so that we can mend any ill feelings. In my mind.. that’s the test of a relationship that will last… weathering the big and the small things… together.