After much thought… much discussion… much guilt, we’ve decided to walk away from our relationship with Ashley.

I think that we’ve been on this road to breaking up for some time now. It makes me sad that it came to this… we had so much hope for this relationship in the beginning. But then again, who doesn’t have high hopes in the beginning? You find someone you click with.. enjoy their company… and you hope for the best.  It only goes one of two ways.. it works or it doesn’t.  In this case, it didn’t work.

I think the biggest reason it didn’t work for us is because I always felt so strongly about things. I didn’t feel like we were connecting in a way that forms a bond. For me that are very important. Just as her giving her all… which she wasn’t doing. She was only taking.. and not considering anyone else’s feelings. I can only give so much before I hit my limit and say enough is enough. I tried to hold out… to wait for it to get better but the fact is as time passed… the more unhappy I was about it.

The proverbial straw for me was this past weekend. We hadn’t seen her in like three weeks…  and she had said she wanted to see us before her surgery this week. (She’s getting her tonsils removed).   Anyways, we said she could come down Friday and Saturday night. Friday rolled around and we had headed down to Portland to do some shopping. We braved the crowds and got some pretty good deals… it was a nice day out. Throughout the day Ben had talked to her.. she had been sleeping all day… she said she wasn’t feeling well and that they had went out at midnight to do their shopping.  By the time we were done with our shopping she had decided not to come. We offered for her to at least come have a quick dinner out with us but she declined.

As Saturday rolled around… I kind of hoped she would be sick again… as I really didn’t want her to come to visit. When I found out that she was indeed coming… I was really bummed. My whole demeanor changed. The idea of her being in our house that night.. in our bed.. didn’t sit right with me. I didn’t want to give up my night for her to be there. I really just didn’t want to see her at all.  I told Ben how I felt… and so he told Ashley that maybe she shouldn’t come down, that we had some stuff we needed to figure out. Of course she panicked… and texted me asking if everything was okay. She only seems to text me when something is wrong or she wanted to rattle off about whats going on in her life.

I did my best to settle her fears… but I don’t think it worked very well. That night he and I spent together just relaxing and deciding what we needed to do. Obviously we couldn’t keep going in the manner we had. If I wasn’t happy and it wasn’t working for me… then he said it wasn’t working for him.  We both didn’t know what to say or do… we both dreaded what needed to be done. The only option here was to end it. It was a disservice to us all to continue if its broken. I honestly don’t think we could have recovered the damage that had happened to our relationship as a trio.  What is more important is that I no longer wanted to recover.

The decision was made… and the guilt set in. We never wanted to hurt her… and we knew this would. Sunday morning Ben texted her saying we wanted to meet up with her after we both got off work. We didn’t want to break up with her over a text.. she deserved better than that. We are better than that.  She knew something was up.. and was trying everything she could to find out what was going on. She was texting us both… but we stuck to our guns.. we were going to do this in person.

All day we dreaded it… breaking up is hard no matter what. I don’t like hurting anyone either… and so this wasn’t going to be a fun task by any means. We drove to meet her for coffee.. talking about our decision… about what led us to it. We reassured each other that this was for the best.. and the right thing to do. Just because we felt guilty and wished it had turned out different wasn’t a good reason to change our minds.   That would only put off the inevitable.  When we arrived… the coffee shop was closed for the night.. and she wasn’t there. We hoped she had decided to stand us up.. only she didn’t.  That would have been too easy.

It was cold outside… we stood facing her… I’m sure the guilt was plastered all over our faces. Ben went first… saying that this wasn’t working. From there… I joined in and talked to her. Ashley fought off tears… obviously not wanting to show us how we’d hurt her. We stood there for over a hour. There was a range of emotion from hurt to angry. There was tears… there were hugs she didn’t want at first… but melted into as her will to push us away disappeared. I hadn’t wanted to air all my feelings about her… as I knew some of them would not be received well… but that went out the window.

I told her everything… how I felt… what my opinion of some of the stuff that had happened and she did was.  Some of it made her feel bad… not realizing how deeply it had affected me…. others made her very angry.  I did my best to try to not be mean… I didn’t want to be a bitch… I fear that I failed in some instances.  I made sure to tell her we cared about her… that I like who she is… etc. I didn’t want it to be a thing where we were ganging up on her…. that wasn’t the case. No matter how much you like someone… that doesn’t mean you can make a relationship with them work… and this is what that was about.  It wasn’t working out.

At some point we got to where there was nothing else to say… it all had been said… had been shared.  All that was left… was to walk away.  I felt so terrible… as did Ben.  We hugged her… a hug that lingered… part of me almost sure we would never see her again.  I wanted to kiss her cheek.. to tell her it was all going to be okay.. and this was what was best for us all. I didn’t though. It didn’t need to be said… as it wouldn’t have changed the fact that we were leaving her there… in her car… alone.

We pulled out of the parking lot.. feeling like assholes. I felt good that I had said everything that was on my mind… but not that I had hurt her in doing so…. that I had hurt her in taking away something she said was the best thing that’s come into her life. It makes me sad for her… for us that it came to this… that we couldn’t coexist better. In the end… you can’t ask what if… you can’t rethink what you did… it is what it is… it happened. Now all that is left is to move forward. I hope that she’s got something positive out of this mess. I hope that she goes on and meets someone that treats her well.. and she grows as a person. I only want good things for her. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Ben and I have no plans to seek out another any time soon. We may even only seek out a play partner in the future. All I know is for now… we’re going to just move on… together. If something comes along, awesome.. if not… we always have each other. In that thought… we are so lucky.  He’s all that I need…. everything else is just icing relationship wise. I’m not sure if I learned anything from this… at least, I haven’t noticed it yet.  I think time will tell on that front.

So that’s the end of that part of our lives. My only regret is that it wasn’t better.. that it didn’t turn out like we had all hoped. I feel good knowing I gave it my all.

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