I’ve always kept up our bank book… always payed the bills… always took care of the finances. I like doing it in a weird sort of way… I think its that deep seeded need of control. It’s funny how much control I like having in life… how much I like to have a say in things.. to know where things are going… and then to decide to submit my life to Ben. Strange. When we started on this journey… this didn’t change. Ben decided that I do a good job of keeping up with that so we just continued with what worked. Me taking care of it.

It had been almost two weeks since I had entered in all our receipts and deposits in the bank book we keep.  Honestly I had just dreaded entering the numerous receipts we had into the journal… and as the time passed… and they grew.. the task just seemed daunting.  I knew that it wasn’t going to change… that I would have to do it eventually. I needed to send out some bills.

When I sat down to do this… Ben commented about it after I said I’d waited too long to do it. You see, I’m supposed to do it once a week. Ideally this would happen on payday.. or the day after. But once a week is sufficient. Only we were so close to be on two weeks… and he wasn’t too thrilled about it. I entered in all the stuff I needed and paid the bills that were due. I went about doing other things.. but it was on my mind… the fact that he wasn’t happy. I texted him, not wanting to ask the him in front of the kids. I asked if I was in trouble. He told me he was thinking about it. I sighed… and inwardly cursed myself. He decided at some point that since there was no negative effects, that he wasn’t going to use the wire hanger. He said he’d think on it and come up with something else to punish me with. That was Friday night.

By Sunday night.. the thought of the punishment was looming over me. I wasn’t sure if he had forgotten.  I wanted to ask.. but I was so torn about it. I didn’t want to be in trouble… I didn’t want something taken away from me. I didn’t want it to ruin our night. In the same thought though… the feeling of it being impending…. the feeling that I hadn’t followed my rule… and so I needed to face the music. Being a responsible person when you’re in trouble is a funny process. It kind of sucks. I guess that’s how you tell maturity… when someone owns up to it… when someone seeks out punishment just so it is taken care of.

Honestly.. I think it really needed correction. Maybe not for this specific thing, but in general. I hadn’t been punished in some time… and I think I was feeling the effects of that. I think that needing that was keeping me from being completely back on track.  I wanted him to deal with me. And so.. in the end… I decided to ask. I texted him… and asked him if he had forgotten. He said he had. That was it. Inwardly… it bothered me that he had… that he didn’t say anything. I wanted him to have an answer… I wanted just to take a spanking and be done with it…. feeling centered… corrected. Nothing else was said that night about it and I went to bed with a feeling of disarray. I couldn’t express that though.. not then. I don’t know why.

The next morning I mentioned when we had our morning texts. He told me had thought about it.. and I would be wearing my plug an extra three hours that day. That isn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted something more… but it wasn’t up to me to decide on a punishment. So that afternoon when we returned from a funeral… I inserted my plug. I wore it for the next five hours. I’m not sure that it made me feel anything though.  It didn’t make me feel sorry for breaking the rule.  It made me wonder if served its purpose.

I know its not up to me to question that… butttttttttt… I am a rational adult. I like to pick things apart… see how people work. For me.. I’m not sure it was an effective punishment, which is hard to admit… as I don’t want it come off as I am criticizing him or questioning his authority. That is not the case.  I just know me, obviously, and what does and doesn’t work.

Needless to say.. I did my three extra hours and my normal two hours of being plugged and put it behind me.  Hopefully I’ll learn something from this… if not just make the decision to be better at being on top of the bank book.  I really don’t like disappointing him.  It’s not fun for either of us.. and so I really do try to be good and do as I’m told. We shall see.

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