I’ve been blogging for the most part since March of 2008.  My first blog was a bit different than this one is. That blog was mostly about sexual encounters with my husband… with a sprinkling of thoughts and feelings on stuff. Over time it morphed into an outlet for our birth control issues and what those issue were doing to me and our interactions.

It’s interesting to me to recognize the change in what I write about.  In some ways I think the things I talk about now are more intimate than the amazing sex we have. Yes, retelling in great detail about how Ben spanked me… or dominated  me is intimate… but I think anyone can have an experience like that. Opening up and talking about how you feel about something.. particularly if that something is difficult is much more personal in my opinion.

I can’t really pinpoint the change from the old blog to this one. Obviously, this one is more geared to our D/s relationship than our sex life…. but I think even my writing style has developed into something different. One thing that is a possibility is that when we do have play sessions… I go much deeper.. experience said session in a different, more intense way than before.  I was always willing to give over all the control to Ben in the bedroom… so that shouldn’t be different… but it is. I think so much of the mental feelings of being owned stay with me when we go into play sessions.  This may very well be the contrast.

I find recanting our sex to be hard now… I don’t normally remember the details so well. I get so immersed into what he’s doing to me that it all kind of blurs together afterward.  I remember basics… I remember the way it made me feel but a step by step doesn’t come to me. It kind of bums me out that I can’t put it all together in words.  It’s such an amazing experience when he physically dominates me. It’s something that I very much need to keep me centered and serves a good reminder of my place. I need that total surrender to him… I need that focus.

So this is how I write now. So much of what I talk about is feelings now that it seems funny to call it a sex blog. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with this blog… after all… this blog isn’t just for me now.. its for Ben. Though, at times I feel like I do him a disservice by not blogging more… by not putting my thoughts out there everyday. We talk so much and share so much that it seems silly to put it on here too. It’s pretty rare that I write about something that I haven’t already mentioned to him in some way or another.   This makes it difficult for me to come up with stuff to talk about… or trying to figure out what’s important to share on here. Sometimes after I’ve talked to Ben about what’s on my mind.. trying to recount it isn’t easy… mainly because it feels resolved by then.

I guess when all is said and done, all things change and evolve into something else. I think this blog is the proof of such.  I think I have such a hard time with change unless its my idea that I fight it a bit. Some things like the way the furniture is set in our house.. or the way things are laid out at work… makes me crazy when it’s moved. With time I come to embrace the change but its a battle getting to that acceptance.  Either way… it’s going to happen whether I like it or not. In this case… I like the change.

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