I am human. Sometimes what I should think and feel aren’t what I actually think and feel. I try to be at my best… to do the things I should… but sometimes there are outside influences.. sometimes that “I shouldn’t have to do that” thought process creeps in.

With our recent distractions I really thought it was going to be easy to just step right back into my place. Admittedly… it was not.  I struggle with control.. I’ve always been the one who had it. When I plan stuff… I overlook it all… making sure everything is just as I want it. I think it tends to go to my head. I don’t know how to turn that off.

I think with that combined with my perception that Ben wants our dynamic less… this makes it even more hard.  I know in my head that this isn’t true.. but more along the lines that he was giving me the mental space I needed to make everything else work. I’m sure he didn’t want me to become even more overwhelmed.  I’ve thought a lot about that. I could be wrong but perhaps letting our dynamic fall to the wayside is a disservice to us. That perhaps I need that continued strong hand even more so in times like that.

I don’t truly know if that is the case or not… as I’ve yet to experience that. Life is just a trial and error really. If one thing doesn’t work… trying another might.  All I know is… his distanced dominance has made my head run with dozens of thoughts. I still do as I am supposed to… but I’m more lazy about it. My head thinks that if he’s not concerned about it… why should I? If he’s not paying attention then what is the point? I hate feeling that way… and yet my mind refuses to not think of such things.

I will tell you the point though. The point is… I gave myself over to this type of relationship. Just because I don’t think he’s being in charge the way I want him to be.. doesn’t make him any less in charge.  The problem isn’t with him (though perhaps he has been laxing because the task of being in charge can become wary), it’s with me and the way I’ve been thinking and behaving.  In a perfect world I would be the perfect owned girl… one where no matter what is going on.. or how my Owner is behaving I would never falter. Unfortunately we don’t live in a fantasy world. I don’t spend my days at home serving my Owner only… being only at his disposal. I work.. and have kids.. and family… and duties that do not lend themselves to being in that ideal position.

I think half the battle is realizing the issue… the real work begins on getting to where both and he and I want me to be.  I know many people would say that if I am not behaving the way I should, that it’s the dominant’s fault. I beg to differ. We are both adults… in a relationship and we both have to give 100% or it won’t work. I cannot expect him to fix something like this on his own. It is both of our jobs to get my head where it needs to be. I need his outward dominant presence just as much as I need to think and behave as his good submissive.

Last night Ben made quite the effort to get me where I need to be. For me… play sessions always recenter me…. give me the focus I need. I know a lot of submissives don’t need that.. but I do. It keeps me for getting my head too big. It’s been three weeks since I’ve had a real beating of sorts.  I had missed it so… and it certainly took it’s toll not only on my thoughts.. but on my body too.  I struggled with the pain I wanted and needed so badly. No matter how I tried to accept it.. my brain fought it tooth and nail. There was tears… and inner turmoil but he was there.. ever constant. He was so patient and loving… while pushing me to where I wanted to go. We played for two hours… which didn’t seem that long. My ass was red and very sore when all was done and over with.

I didn’t think I went as deep as I needed to go… but I don’t think I could have gone that deep last night. I have to be in a certain mind frame and I just wasn’t going there.  Needless to say.. we shall see if his efforts to contain me will work. If anything it’s a several footsteps in the right direction. Seeing the marks on my back this morning made me smile… I so rarely mark and so when I do… its special. I was quite pleased with them.

I can only hope that my inner battle is once more buried and that I am on my way back to being happily at his command- time will answer this.

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