Sometimes I think the world passes me by. Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I’m standing still… while the crowd passes me by.  This week is/has been a very busy week. I’m putting the final touches on my youngest daughter’s birthday party. It’s consuming a lot of my time as my kids’ parties always do.

I’m struggling to find time for everything. I’m struggling to find Ben and I time… and struggling to find Ben, Ashley, and I time. We see her like once a week as it is. When the kids go to their Dad’s we make plans. This week, however, there isn’t going to be an opportunity.

Friday is filled with a BBQ at a friend’s house in honor of my niece who is home on leave from the Navy. She’ll be leaving us on the 23rd for Japan and we won’t be seeing her again till next summer. So that is certainly a priority as I adore my niece and have missed her. Saturday I work and then the niece and her fiance will be over for dinner, darts, and to help finish up the final touches on the birthday party. She loves helping me… and it’s a fun thing for us to do together.  Then Sunday will be an early start to get everything put together by 2:00 when the party starts. So yeah, a busy weekend which is always nice but there is something to be said about having lazy time. I’m certainly glad that every weekend isn’t like this.

So this is the struggle comes in. This leaves no play time (which the weekend always is for us unless something comes up) for Ben and I. I didn’t get any play time last weekend as I gave it over to Ashley. In her blog she had talked about how she could handle more than Ben was giving her.. and I suggested to him that he push her a little. See were her stopping point was. I always enjoy a good pushing session… its cleansing for the soul.  And so when she came over he pushed her… and I watched. For the record.. I was okay with that. It was interesting watching him top someone else. To be able to just sit and be the audience for once was a very different experience for me. It was fun.

Ashley came over again on Saturday as she was feeling down because she had a fight with her friend. So we took care of her.. had dinner.. watched a movie. It was nice just being together time. However, this didn’t lend itself to any “beat Sierra” time. We did have amazing sex before… but a good beating session is always something I crave. I have a difficult time when I go more than a week without one. I think the weekend before I had one.. so we are going on two weeks now. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot… but for me…. it is.

And so knowing that it wont happen this weekend… and it’ll be till next weekend isn’t a fun thought. I find myself feeling unbalanced I guess you could say. Our play sessions always keep me centered and reminds me of my place. I get anxious and I guess sort of bratty when I go without. I try not to get that way… I really do, it just doesn’t always work. These are the times I get myself in trouble… where I push too hard when I think I’m being playful. It’s easy to realize this outside of the action (like now) but when I’m in the heat of it… I forget myself and push headstrong into the situation.  I guess you could say that since you know this about yourself… then you should be able to fix it. Well sure. Easier said than done. I don’t go into a situation trying to get in trouble or annoy Ben. I don’t realize what I’m doing till it’s too late.

So that’s where I’m at. It’s all a balancing act for us. Trying to find the right ratio of time for everything.  I don’t regret having to give up one on one time with Ben sometimes.. but I guess its disheartening in moments like this. Time alone with him is so important to me, not only just bonding as a couple but keeping our power dynamic in check emotionally and physically.  In a couple weeks this will blow over and it’ll just be a thing of the past.. and I say yay to that. Though, the holidays are looming off in the near future… and that’s a whole new can of worms. First things first.

So for now, I’ll just keep plugging away and take advantage of the little moments we have together… life is just a series of moments really… chained together. It’s what one makes of those moments that defines your life. My life is pretty awesome as a whole. There’s not much I could ask for… and for that… I am a very lucky girl… even if I have moments of longing.  After all, I’m just human.

 

Advertisements