The test of being owned is an everyday thing. That surrender that you chose to give every hour of each passing day. Submission is a choice…. though I know some would disagree. I know that at some point it does become so ingrained in you it’s hard to fathom not doing it.  But it is still a choice.

Some days the test of submission is easy… something you do with your whole heart… happily. There are those days though… the ones where it is work to continue to be devoted. I know for me personally… when I am mad at him (it may not happen often, but it certainly does) its certainly work. It is very difficult for me to continue doing what I am supposed to… to remember that even when I am upset… I am not in charge.

So much of me wants to rebel… to show him that I how upset I am… or how much he hurt me.  Letting my rational mind take over and remind the irrational, upset part that I agreed to give up control.. and that doesn’t change just because something isn’t going my way.  I may give over to that, but I still don’t like it. I don’t like being humble.  Sometimes I wish I could totally toss out the rules… and pretend they don’t exist when we aren’t getting along momentarily.  It’s that “I’ll show him” mentality.

I know that that kind of behavior and thought process doesn’t do either of us any good. It makes me feel good that I am stronger than the impulse to be a complete bitch because it is very hard to be good.. and keep it reigned in.  I think that being owned has made me a better partner. I think about what I am doing and saying before I do it. I don’t always make the right choice but I think that most of the time I’m pretty good at remaining in my place behavior wise.  When I don’t he’s always there to pull me back down from the clouds.  In that sense it’s always a good feeling not being in charge even if I don’t think so at that very moment.

So I wonder what kind of grade I’d get on my test of submission? One can only guess.

Advertisements