<— This, has never been me. I have never made friends with girls easily. Back when I was a kid and teenager I had chick friends… but that was always in a group of people that included guys… in which I was much better friends with.  Try as I might to cultivate female friends… they just were not that easy to come by. I can only really count two girls that I have been really good friends with… that I considered best friends. One of those betrayed me… several times… the other.. well she was terribly jealous of my relationship with Ben. She kind of faded away.

As time passed from being a kid so to speak… and I grew into an adult, I found that making friends was infinitely more difficult.  Even with that difficulty, I still formed platonic relationships with men so much easier. Part of me thinks my inability to bond with women stems back to my mother. I never really had a strong relationship wit her… we never really talked about anything. In fact, she and I haven’t even spoke in three years.  Though, even if that is not the reason it doesn’t change the facts.

So where am I going with this? Ben and I have been looking for a play partner and friend for some time. We’ve had a few false starts and things that didn’t get far. It was frustrating the say the least. We kept looking though… hoping to find what we were looking for but started to think the search was always going to be fruitless. Then Ben stumbled across Ashley. We felt we found the person we’d been looking for.

We didn’t spend much time emailing back and forth before we offered to meet up for drinks or coffee… not wanting to waste time if we didn’t hit it off like we hoped. We went out on a Saturday night to dinner and we chatted like we’d known each other for a while already. We closed the place down then found a local bar to grab some drinks. We got home really late that night and both had to be up early to go to work but it was worth it. We had a great time. We had even invited her to join us at a play party we planned on going to that following Thursday.

Between that Saturday and Thursday I texted her the two days following to chat and such. The first time we had a pretty good conversation.. the next day was short and sweet. Ben was having long and lengthy texts with her. By Wednesday night… I know I seemed like I wasn’t really looking forward to having her go with us. It wasn’t that. It was that I hadn’t really had any build up. I had not been able to talk with her and get excited about what could happen… so for me… it was just another night out. I knew it would be fun… but I was far from excited.  I felt ho hum about the same thing. It bothered me that I was being left out of getting to know her more. I didn’t feel threatened or mad… I was more bummed out about the whole thing.

We went out Thursday night.. had a fun time… and I posted about it the following day. She texted me that night to ask how she was sexually… and we texted back and forth a few times… but that was that. Ben and her texted just as much before.. discussing all that happened.

Yesterday after work she texted me saying she really would like to go out to coffee with me… for it to be sort of date like. I thought it was a good idea and agreed that as soon as I could we’d go out. I, of course, thought Ben had put her up to it. He and I talked a bit about it but he didn’t directly point her in that direction. That in itself is cool.

This is where my issue is. I know its hard to have equal treatment but that’s what I want. I want her to want to talk to me just as much as she talks to Ben. I don’t fee like she is a threat to our relationship… honestly, I don’t feel like she is that sort of person. She seems to have a lot of respect for our marriage and doesn’t want to overstep our boundaries. She even told Ben she felt like he was my territory and had to get my okay for things. I think that’s kind of funny since he owns me… not the other way around… but I see what she is getting at.

I think that my feelings about this is what is making me hold back and not really involving myself deeply into this whole thing. I want to form a friendship with her… after all… we had been looking for a girl friend of sorts. It makes me feel uncomfortable… like a third wheel somehow. I mean, maybe I’m being dramatic. It’s not terrible. I don’t feel wronged. I just don’t exactly feel a part of things either. It’s hard to describe.

I’m hoping that going out to coffee will help rectify some of this… that somehow I will feel better about all of this. She’s a great person.. funny and so much like we are. She’s an ideal match for us and I do want this to work out for all of us. I know we could have so much fun together. I hadn’t seen me feeling this way coming. I guess in a situation like this… you never really know what emotions will come.  I think the measure of things like this is how you manage them. Relationships of any sort are work at some point… building a bond is work sometimes too.

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