So. My husband topped and had sex with another woman and I’m still processing this.

I had a good time… he had a good time… apparently she had a good time… and yet my mind is still trying to get a grasp on it. I don’t feel jealous… but I’m not excited either.

I don’t know what to make of it all… no, I don’t regret it. I would do it again. We will do it again… I just want to get my thoughts in my head straight.   Ben asked if I was okay, and I am.

So here’s what I have so far.

Being with a woman again after four years was interesting. It wasn’t quite what I remembered it like… or maybe it was. Maybe I don’t really remember what it was like.

She stayed the night with us and didn’t leave till later in the afternoon. Now I didn’t mind her being here… but there came a point where I just wanted to be with him.  I wanted to be able to talk to him… to process last night and this morning together.  When she left… we didn’t really even talk about it.  I think that kind of bothers me. I know we’ll talk about it at some point… but I feel kind of reluctant now… especially since I’m trying to pin down my feelings on it.

It’s strange sharing a bed with two other people. It was fun, but I don’t think it is something I would want to do every night.

I think this experience made me realize at this point I wouldn’t want to share our home with another woman. I am special in this house… call me selfish but I like it being that way. I’m not saying I won’t ever want that… just right now.. I think baby steps are good.

I’m looking forward to reconnecting as husband and wife again without someone else in the mix. Our relationship is special to me obviously… and I like the focus of that importance. If that makes sense.

Seeing Ben get off with someone else… kind of surreal. Maybe that’s the one thing I am hung up on. Who knows. I’m sure I’ll be able to sort it all out.   In the moment it was fun and was nice to see him having a good time. Now, it kind of makes me sad… but that could be the selfish part of me wanting to be the source of his pleasure.

We humans are complicated, crazy beings. You never know how you’ll feel about something until you actually experience it. Putting it out there… seeing it on the screen makes me feel purged in a way.  Like I am not holding my thoughts in my head.. letting them circle around like a demon haunting me. It happened.. I don’t regret it. No one is the problem… I don’t really think there is a problem. I just need to process.