We tried something new yesterday… no scratch that… he tried something new yesterday. It was my weekly beating… which I ever so much look forward to. I love the pain he gives me… I love when he pushes me hard. The way he makes me endure… the way he keeps me from feeling overwhelmed. I love the place it all takes me to. I love how it works deep down into my very core and leaves me ever so docile after.

We showered together… and he left me to prepare… making sure I was all clean and smooth for him. He told me to take my time… to get in the right head space to receive my beating.  I’m not sure about any other person, but I know for me, I have to be in the right frame of mind or I can’t take as much pain. I feel all erratic and panicky. It’s not very conducive to either us.. in fact its pretty frustrating.  He knows this about me… he knows how to handle me very well.

And so I did as I was told… I focused on getting ready with the knowledge of what was coming. I stayed calm… and strange sort of calm… a focused calm. It is hard to describe. When I was all done… I joined him in the living room. He told me to kneel before him… and to my knees I went. The order of things are a big fuzzy to me now… but I’ll try to replay them right.

He asked if I was ready to take pain from him… if I was in the right frame of mind… I was. I was prepared for our usual play that is. I always have a pretty good idea how things are going to go. I wasn’t prepared for what lay ahead of me. He pulled me forward… his hands running over my ass. He spanked me… and then had me sit back up. He was so cool and calm. There was no doubt he was in control.

This is where things took a different path than they normally do. He asked again if I was ready… and I said I was. He started slapping my tits… hard. They stung and felt like they were on fire. I kept breathing… trying not to cry out. I could take this… I knew I could.  I could feel the tears building inside of me. He asked if I liked that…. and I did. I like the pain… we both know that. Then he threw me of kilter. He slapped my face. It didn’t shock me… but inside me…emotions welled up… ones I cannot explain.  The tears flowed. He asked if I liked that. I didn’t like that in my head…. my cunt told a different story.

He asked why I didn’t like it… but continued to slap my face.. on each side. I couldn’t tell him why I didn’t like it… because truth be told I really didn’t know. Even now… out of the moment… out of the emotion of it, I have no idea why it rocked me to my core. I don’t know why it caused a river of tears to pore down my face.

He told me he was going to be mixing things up from now on… so that I would be on my toes… not knowing what to expect. He said that I didn’t like it now… but that I would grow to… to even crave it. I can see that about myself too…. I’m the type of person that will latch onto something that my owner loves and love it myself. This is because I want to be everything he wants me to be… to share things with him… to thirst for the same things. Whether or not this is a character flaw…. I don’t know. Prime example… anal. I was never that big of an anal fan but would do it. It wasn’t till Ben that I really came to love it.

And so I can see him slapping my face to be the same way. Right now… when he does it and my ears ring… it’s hard to handle. I don’t know what brings the hard sobs… the only thing I do know is that I will take it. It’s what I do… I take what he gives me. I take pride in that.  I fight to keep taking it even when I feel overwhelmed… or panicked. I want him to be proud of me…. even wowed with what I withstand. Not just for him though, because I know after the fact if I tap out… I will regret it. I will think to myself that I could have taken more… lasted longer. Coping is all in the head… mind over matter as they say.

I may not love being slapped in the face right now… but I will. He is very much right about this. Chances are the next time I wont love… maybe even the next couple times. But slowly, I’ll start to want it. Maybe even ask for it. Before long, I’ll be fantasizing about it.  Longing for it. Needing it. That’s just where he wants me… how it wants me. And what he wants… he shall have.