There is something I noticed after our threesome of sorts. In my past.. the only threesome I had with one of my partners (all the other ones were with another couple) was not a fun experience. I wanted the threesome… lusted after it. It made me hot… but when it came down to it…. it was a very painful experience. There was not equal attention. I felt very left out…. and that single event left a lasting impression on not only that relationship… but me. I vowed I’d never do that again. I didn’t think I could put myself through that again. I mean, wasn’t I jealous? Wasn’t that what it was about?

Turns out… no, it wasn’t about jealousy really… but about trust. I was jealous because I didn’t feel confident in my relationship. I didn’t trust him to be faithful to me… to not go behind my back. So yes, there was jealousy… but that was because I wanted so badly wanted to hang onto him… because I knew I didn’t really have him.  I was always competing.

And so when I met Ben… I trusted him with all my being… but that fear was always there. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him… it was my own demons. Ones I had to slay in order to be fully healed as a person. It wasn’t his fault that I carried around that baggage… it was my past and the choices I made in that time that was at fault.

It took several years for me to do this. To feel whole again… to feel sexually adventurous in that manner again. It, just as the D/s, evolved organically. It is not something that something that could have been forced…. but something that had to be mended in me so that we could explore that together. We had to overcome an obstacle that tested my trust in my husband so that we could move forth. Once that happened… the longing to share one another inched its way in.

At first I felt guilty for wanting this… and didn’t want to share those wants with him. I didn’t know how he would react as we had talked about stuff like this before.. and had come to a consensus that we didn’t want to share one another. So when it came to light one night several months ago… and he wanted to as well as long as we did it together, it was a huge relief.  And so this was the beginning of a fun chapter of exploring a new sexual side to our relationship.

It wasn’t till other night, when I shared him with another woman.. that I realized the difference in my previous experience with my significant other and this one.  The difference is trust. I trust him with my every being. I know that he isn’t going to leave me for someone else… that he’s coming home with me.  I know I offer him something no causal sexual partner can. I am unique to him… special. No one can replace me. This knowledge has set me free of past baggage. The knowledge that I’m a permanent figure… that I don’t have to compete is so comforting. I can just enjoy… as can he. Him being satisfied and pleasured is a big deal to me… and that.. makes all the difference.

It feels good to found this sense of peace with another person. I am always amazed at how alike Ben and I are…. how we really do complete each other. It seems that we only grow stronger… deeper in love with each other… and that our happiness has no end. Our highs are so much more frequent than our lows. I feel so lucky to have a man that I can share that with… I would have never guessed I’d be so blessed.