The roots of my need to submit… to have structure… to not be in charge go back to when I was a child.  This fact isn’t something hard to figure out if you know me… know my past.

Growing up.. my parents weren’t strict at all. I can remember one spanking and one time being grounded. I remember those events like they were yesterday. I remember how unfair it felt… how those punishments didn’t seem warranted. It bred resentment towards my parents… deep rooted resentment that has carried into my adult years.

My father was a drunk… my mother was passive. She never wanted to get into it with him… I can’t ever remember her taking up for me. Not once. No matter how wrong he was… nothing. I’d even ask and she would just told me she didn’t want to argue with him. They had a strange relationship. I can’t ever remember them sharing a bed… let alone him living in the same house as us. I do know that he did when I was very young… but I think that changed when I was around five. He was still always around, nevertheless. He lived in a camper trailer behind our house most of my life. I’d say from age seven till around fourteen.

I don’t know when I started doing what I wanted, when I wanted. All I remember is not having rules… or maybe I did, and they weren’t enforced. Maybe the latter is more likely.. because I am a strong willed person. Maybe my mother just didn’t want to fight me to follow her rules.  Dealing with a headstrong child can be difficult. The point is… even if they existed, at some point… rules were not a part of my house.

The older I got.. the cockier I’d get about this.  I boasted about my lack of rules.. and how I did what I wanted. I knew I ruled my house… it was something I was proud of. There was no structure at all. Now as a kid, this is awesome. Looking back as a parent myself… I can see how this could cause so many problems. The fact that I’m not a drug addict or dead somewhere is amazing… and I think that’s more to do with my character than my upbringing (or lack there of). My life could be so bad right now… I’m so glad it’s not.  I’d like to see what kind of person I would have turned out as if I had been raised in a household with rules and structure…. with accountability.  But I wasn’t… and I am who I am regardless.

As an adult… my first two long term relationships.. I wore the pants. I craved control… desperately so.  I think mostly this is because I had lacked it all my life… and I needed my life to feel like it was on a straight path… not spiraling.  We would have terrible fights… sometimes because of what they’d do… but also because they weren’t doing what I wanted them to do. Their behavior was appalling to me sometimes. Those relationships were so dysfunctional… but lasted for years at a time. The first for two.. the last for five. I wasn’t happy at all really… but I had some sense of control… of normality and so I accepted that it was all I was going to get. I, of course, did not recognize my need to be contained then… I would have balked at the idea. I was a grown up after all… that can take care of herself. I didn’t need anyone to dictate to me what I should do.

And so.. when I met Ben… and we clicked… he as like a breath of fresh air.  There was something different about him… about how we related to one another.. how we got each other. There was love.. and respect… and understanding between us. It was something special to say the least. I wondered how I had lived my life so unhappily… that I was content to walk through day after day. Looking back now.. it seems so silly. But I do understand it… mostly.

And then I came across D/s. It took me forever to understand.. why on earth would anyone want this? What did they get out of it? Why would they give up control of their life? After I figured it out… I think I secretly coveted it. It appealed to me deep down inside even if I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I fought that feeling… telling myself I could never give up that control… telling myself I’d lose myself, who I was if I submitted in such a fashion. My heart… my brain… knew that D/s would work for me… before I ever admitted it to myself.

I never imagined it would fit me so well. I never imagined how naturally I’d fall into it… of fulfilled it would make me feel.  Would I be this person had I had the rules I needed as a child? Who knows? I like to think I wouldn’t have but maybe not. Maybe I am who I am… despite my environment. Maybe having set parameters is what I need. What I do know is that it works for me. It works for Ben. It works for us.

No one knows what truly goes into being who they are. No one knows what changes to their lives would make them different. I think sometimes its good to look back at the path you’ve taken but not to get too wrapped up in that. You can’t live for the what ifs… all you can do is live the life you have and what is dealt to you. Bad childhood or not… I am happy with who I am now- the life I have now. And that… is all that matters.

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