The funny thing about D/s is there is no set rules. There is no guidelines to shape and mold your relationship on… there’s just the way the Dom sees fit. Obviously there are places online you can go to… blogs you can read… and so forth that are helpful in this process but not one relationship is going to be exactly like yours. And so in a way you go in a bit blind.. testing the waters and hoping you get it right. Sometimes you don’t. We are only human after all… and sometimes we quite literally fuck up.

Ben commented on my last post. This particular evening was very difficult for me. You see going into my punishment I was under the mind frame that he was going to temper said punishment. What I got, was anything but. It left me confused… I felt like my emotions were a crumpled up ball of paper and all the different thoughts and feelings were touching each other. I couldn’t make sense of them. I felt lost… and hurt… and needy.

You see, I knew I had broken a rule… I knew that I had earned my punishment. That is all fine and dandy… and if he wanted to use me with no pleasure being thrown my way… that was okay too. I signed up for that… and deep down I like when he uses me. Now if that is all that had happened (I get my lashes from the wire hanger and he used me) then I could have pulled myself back together. This isn’t what happened… and I didn’t know how to process it.

Instead he went right into play time (or training as he put it). There was no buffer.. there was no time for me to go from punishment to play. I know that some people don’t need this or what not… but I am not one of those people. I needed not to be in that head space for play. I felt like the whole thing was one long punishment… and endured it. So when he was done with me and dismissed me… I walked away… feeling.. empty. I walked away hurt and confused when all I needed was him to pull me back together. Some would argue that after a punishment… you don’t need aftercare. Normally I would be fine… but this wasn’t a normal punishment for me. A scene takes me to all sorts of mental places just as punishments do. The two collided and I dunno… it was difficult. After play he always comforts me.. holds me close until I can pull the pieces of me back into one.

This went on all night… the distance… through me cooking dinner and us eating. Even after I posted… I laid on the couch.. silent… not wanting to show it to him. I didn’t want to be any more vulnerable than I already was. I felt exposed.. but I sent him the link. He read it it… and I felt so very far away from him…. and he stayed silent. He went to the bathroom and came back… then came to me. He told me he left me to think about what I had done.  That’s why… and left it at that.  I was kind of shocked. I had bared my soul to him… told him what I needed and still… nothing. I stayed quiet for the rest of the evening till bed time.

In bed he asked me what I was thinking. It was hard to articulate.. but I told him. I told him how confused it made me. He stayed quiet as I rambled a bit about it. He was hugging me… he was thinking.  I fought back the tears… and damn it I hate that. He apologized. He realized how he had blurred the lines and asked for my forgiveness…. which my mouth could not give…. nor could my brain. I was still pulled back in my own little emotional bubble. Still hurt… not trying to punish him.. but to protect myself.

Slowly the wall came down and I took comfort in being in his arms. By then though, he was falling asleep after a very long, hot day at work. This was frustrating for me… as I finally felt we were back on the road of reconnecting and here he was… needing sleep to get up to work the next day. I felt like our night was robbed. That the punishment should have been just that… and that we should have moved past it so that we could enjoy a nice quiet night alone.  I ended up getting up from bed.. I just couldn’t lay there. There was no way my brain was going to shut off and I didn’t want to listen to him sleep.

The funny thing about all this is… that I’m sure he was trying to make me more docile.. but at this point.. I was anything but. My mind raced with ways I could rebel. I could just cum.. right then and there… he would never know. After all… the reconnection had brought out the make up sex reflex in me. But ultimately, this would continue a bad cycle… and not do us any service. No… rebelling is not the answer. Around 12:20 I was tired and decided I needed to sleep… but no part of me wanted to go to our bed. I don’t know why. I just couldn’t. And so, I stayed on the couch.. until he came and got me at around 5:00. I was sore.. and hadn’t slept well. Couch sleeping isn’t much fun.

This morning.. I can’t say I have any more answers than I did last night. I have to say though.. this doesn’t change I am his. He owns me just as he did before. He earned this… I trust him with this. Is this blind faith? No. As I told him last night… I have made plenty mistakes.. hence needing to be punished.. and will make more. We both know this. He is going to make mistakes too. He has owned up to his part in yesterday’s mistakes. I can’t continue to fault him for that and I will not make him grovel to earn anything. He doesn’t deserve that.  We just need some time to sit and take and completely reconnect with each other so that we can move forth. I want to put this behind us. Its been a valuable lesson for us both I think.

I feel a sadness right now. It makes me very sad to think we both are in this position. I dunno what happened really. Sometimes things get out of hand I think. All I know is we are strong enough to keep pressing on. I love Ben.. he is my world. I don’t think I could go back to living a vanilla marriage… this is who we are now.