I’m writing this post… pre punishment. I wanted to write about my thoughts before they went away about how I got myself to being punished.

I am supposed to blog once a week at least. I haven’t had much to talk about as of late… and so days passed with no posts. It’s funny how quickly time passes without you realizing. And so when Ben texted me this afternoon (Saturday) at work… my heart raced. I thought he hadn’t noticed…

“Its been almost 10 days since you have last done a blog post. I thought I said to write one once a week. Am I mistaken?”

Damn it. Such a stupid thing to mess up on…. I had valid reasons why I hadn’t done it. My valid reasons don’t matter though. I didn’t do it… I didn’t talk to him about it…. I just decided all on my own that it was okay wait till I actually had something to write about. Back in the day.. this would have been okay. My old way of thinking… of being… isn’t my life anymore though. It’s time I figure that out.

I didn’t want to give him my excuses. I’m a big girl…. I made my decisions… I am big enough not to try to weasel my way out of being in trouble. I told him that I wouldn’t try to explain.. but he told me to. And so.. I did. He said he understood the reasons… but that didn’t change the fact I wasn’t compliant. I was still going to be punished. I hated the thought of going home to this… that it’d be on my mind all afternoon…. and that it would probably happen when he got home. It would ruin him coming home for me… and its hard to rebound from being punished. Its hard not to stay in that mind frame. I think that bedtime punishments are the best for this. I don’t have to come back from it and go on with the night like nothing happened. Being punished early in the night means I have to buck up and move passed it.

Even more sucky is that I was going to ask if I could cum… I still wanted to ask after it was brought up.. but thought better of it. I knew what the answer would be… it would be no. In light of me not doing as I am supposed to…. why on earth would I think I deserved to be able to get off?  I hate that. I think I am still coming to grips of my loss of control of my sexual gratification. But that is a whole other story. So yeah.. I didn’t ask. Maybe I should have… but like I said, I’m sure he’d have said no… and I hate being turned down.  This makes it feel like I have some say in it… even if I don’t really.

So here I sit… waiting till he gets home… I want it to hurry up. But then again… I don’t. I want it over with… but I hate actually going through it.


Post punishment.

I’m kind of… I dunno.  Ben got home and we showered. When my alarm for my plug to be inserted went off I went to the bedroom to put it in. He came in when I was lubing it up. He had me stand up and kissed me softly then led me to the corner of the bed. I held onto the plug and bent over. The wire hanger came down twice on my ass.

His hands rubbed over the welts gently then he slid his cock into my pussy.  He fucked me… and in my head I went through a thousand emotions. It was hard to get into it completely… I had surrendered to the fact he was going to take what he wanted from me. I knew I was going to get little in return of satisfaction.

He broke out the cane.. and it hurt.. a lot. I wasn’t mentally prepared for the cane. I wasn’t handling it well and he was not too thrilled with that.  He told me so. I refocused and tried hard to grin and bare it.  He mixed it up… his cock in my mouth.. in my cunt… or hitting me with the cane. He had me offer up body parts to hit… and I did so. At some point he asked if I was ready for him to cum or did I want him to beat me more. I chose option number two.

That didn’t last too long though… painful or not. He ordered me to make him cum.. and so on my knees I went. I went to work… and soon my mouth was filled with his cum. When he pulled away… I went down, putting my face and hands by his feet. His hands rubbed my back and ass then pulled me up.

“You may go make dinner now.”, he said and so I stood and left the room heading to the kitchen without a word. When I rounded the corner I was over come with emotion. I needed to reconnect with him… and I wasn’t allowed that. Cuddling with him allows that after sex… and this didn’t happen. I was used and sent away. I didn’t like how that at all.

I didn’t want him to see my cry… I didn’t want to look at him in the face.. I just couldn’t. I stayed in the kitchen the whole time dinner was cooking. I sat in silence.  I mean, there’s something very hot about being used… but I feel like there needs to be time where you regroup with one another… and allow for the bad feelings to be put where they belong. Behind you. I have a hard enough time getting past punishments with that… and so not having that… I am struggling to feel put back together. I feel.. kind of pulled into myself… self preservation perhaps. I know this feeling will pass and we’ll come back together in that lovey way we are… but right now.. I feel sad.

I hate punishments.