I feel restless.

Or at least, that is the best way I can describe it. I’ve been… behaving… strangely the past few days. I’ve been playful in an excessive way. We’d be on the couch… and I’d tickle him.. and keep tickling him when he’d tell me to stop. Or we’d be in another room.. and I’d be poking at him and such. Stuff like that.

Now the first day.. it didn’t really stand out to me. Sometimes I am just like that… I get playful and I just want to have him play back. This didn’t last for just one day, however. This has carried on for three days. I was trying to illicit a reaction from him…. I wanted something… but I didn’t know what.

Thinking about it laying in bed last night.. I wanted to bring it up… but couldn’t bring myself to do so. I wanted to bring up why I had been so annoying the last few days… why my emotions had been all over the charts…. why I had been almost pouty when I wasn’t getting the reaction I wanted. (Even if I didn’t know what reaction I wanted then). I really felt like I needed to work this out in my head. Is that very subly like? I dunno.

By this morning it was making sense to me. I am almost for sure it was because I was subconsciously testing him.  I think I wanted to see how hard I could push him… what his limit was for my bullshit. I certainly wouldn’t have intentionally done this… lords know I don’t want to be in trouble! Nevertheless, this is what I was doing. Like a caged animal running at different spots in the fence… searching for weaknesses. The only difference between that caged animal and me is that I want to be contained. I don’t want to find weakness… at least not consciously.

The funny thing about being owned… is you are… whether you feel like it or not. There doesn’t have to be a show… to prove that you belong to someone. My brain doesn’t seem to work that way. I feel like sometimes… I need to be taken down a peg. I need to be reminded that I am indeed owned… and don’t have length on my chain.  I am in the parameters he sets for me… even if I can’t see them.

And so.. this is what I was looking for. An outward show.. that isn’t all ready set in place… of his dominance over me. I felt like I needed him to grab me by my collar… to tell me to knock my shit off. If that didn’t work… something more… intense. I need to be put in the submissive little corner of my mind… where I don’t test my owner.

So after I pieced this all together… when we were texting this morning… I brought it up. Just when you think they don’t notice… they do… but don’t always say something (more on that later as well). There is something about the domly types… that they do this. They give you enough chain to follow through.. but there is enough to hang yourself as well. Ben said he noticed how I had been behaving but that it didn’t seem too bad. He wasn’t all that worried. He also said that he wouldn’t let me too far out of control.

I fully expected an attitude adjustment coming my way… but he said that I should just stop… and we’d go from there. I really… really hope that is enough. I am going to try my very best to stop it… but sometimes I get carried away without realizing it.  I don’t like the feeling that testing him gives me. It’s not my place to test him. I put my faith and trust in him when I agreed to go down the D/s road. Like he said that… it’s human nature to test your boundaries… I’m not so sure that makes me feel better about it. He’s never given me reason to need to do so.

So this is me… stopping… I hope.

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