I crawl to him when we’re done… when he’s done. My head finds his knees… still on all fours.

I stay there till he says we need to go get cleaned up… so I move up closer to him… putting my head on his shoulder… feeling him close to me.

He helps me up. I feel the stiffness in my body… I always feel the stiffness after he canes me… after he uses me.

He follows close behind… I feel unsteady… kind of like I’m floating. He’s behind me… his hand on me… all the way to the bathroom.

I ease down onto the toilet. I need to sit down. I need to find my center before I stand in the shower.

And then I feel it.  I feel like I’ve been submerged in water… the sound of the shower… the water falling… seems so far away. I feel out of focus.

I join him in the shower… slowly stepping in… I feel unsure on my feet. I feel the water hit my left arm… its hot. His hands on are on me making sure I’m okay.

I move to the front of the shower… add some cold water to make it more manageable. I still can’t stand under it. Ben is washing himself… then rinses off.

He pulls me to him… wrapping me in the warmth of his arms. I feel safe.

Suddenly I’m cold. I always get cold after… its inevitable. That endorphin rush… comes crashing down. I still feel deep beneath the surface.

Another thing hits me… a wall of emotion… the tears are there… I don’t know why… I cannot explain it. He asks if I’m okay… I tell him I am… but the tears are still there. He says it’s all right… let it out. And so I do.

When its subsided, he checks on me again.. and tells me to finish up before the water runs out. He steps out to get dried off.

Another wave of emotion… my hands on my head… I don’t know what is wrong… nothing is wrong really. Sometimes I think I just need the release.

I wash up… then stand in the flow of water… leaned against the wall… floating still.

Off in the distance he calls out to me… am I okay… I am I say… was it a whisper? Was it only in my head I answered? He asks again. I repeat myself… out loud for sure this time. He asks what I want for dinner…

I pull the pieces of together some… and turn off the shower…. I pull back the curtain. There he stands.. in the doorway. I close my eyes… one misstep and I’d surely fall over. I wring out my hair… open my eyes… and he’s there… holding my towel. I lift my arms and he wraps it around me. I lean into him. He is my rock.

I get out and dry off. He has disappeared into the living room. When I reach my back side with the towel…. I break through the surface of the water…. and suddenly.. I hear the world as it is… not distorted. The sting of my ass penetrated it. Funny how that pain disappears.

Into our room I go… I grab my shirt and pants. I turn on the over head light… and turn in the mirror to see his aftermath. There should be a bruise by tomorrow I am sure of it. I dress and walk slowly to the living room.

He’s in the dining room now… I grab my phone… slide it in my pocket.. still floating… but not in a bubble anymore. He walks to me… we’re close again.. he asks again if I’m okay… and I am.

“Who do you belong to?”, he asks.

“You.”

“Who will always take care of you?”, he pushes further.

“You”

I feel it inside of me… the overwhelming glow of love for this man. I would do anything for him.  He is my everything. I could never tell him how much I love him… how much every inch of me belongs to him… in every single way.

And so… this is it… my aftercare.

Advertisements