He snores.

I don’t.

I’ve always been the type of person that can’t sleep once someone starts to snore… I just cant.  In the past I’ve been fortunate enough that any long term partners have been non-snorers. That is… until I met Ben. In the beginning it was rare he would actually snore and I could jostle him a bit and tell him that he was in fact keeping me awake. Normally this would work.. but there were times nothing did, and I’d find myself sleeping on the couch. It’s not that I wanted to do this… but I felt bad making him go to the couch. I’d always say the next day in my fog that the next time he  snored… he would be the one counting sheep in the living room. This, has yet to happen.

Here recently, his snoring has become more of a persistent issue.  I find that once it was 2-3 times a month… and now its closer to 2-3 times a week. Now this wouldn’t be a problem if I could get a nap in sometime during the afternoon but that’s just not a reality in my world normally. Neither of us can pinpoint what the change is… all I know is… I am having a hard time with it.

Take last night for instance. As soon as his head hit the pillow… he was out. It started out as a heavy breathing (which is mildly annoying)… but quickly progressed to full on snoring. I tried laying there… waiting… hoping that perhaps if I nudged him he’d move and it would stop. Or, perhaps he’s just work through it. I was having a hard time shutting my brain down on top of it. I laid there for what seemed like forever (who knows how long it actually was) before I decided it was time to make my way to my second bed… aka our couch.

Just as I was getting up to get out of bed, he woke up and asked me where I was going. I told him… and he said he’d put on a breathe right strip. I sighed and laid back down. I was tired.. and it was late. I had to work in the morning and he didn’t. I just really wanted to sleep. He put it on… and promptly picked up where he left off before he was awoke. I stayed for a bit.. but not long… and then left.

Once in the living room, I fell asleep pretty quickly. Several hours later I woke up and made my way back to our bed, hoping that he’d be done. I think it was around 4 am. I climbed into bed… though not too thrilled about laying in bed. You see… there’s a funny thing that happens to me when I’m tired but not able to sleep because of outside sources.  I get cranky… irritated… and I want to be mad. I can’t be mad… its not really his fault. He’s not doing it on purpose. That doesn’t mean that when I’m tired, that I’m rational. And so… I don’t want him to curl up to me.. I want him to know I’m upset… even if it doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Apparently… he was still snoring.  So my pillow and I made the trek back to the other room. (See a theme here yet? I have lots of nights like this)    This is where I slept till I heard my alarm in the distance. Ben hit snooze and came to get me to sleep my last 20 minutes of snoozing with him. I normally love going back to bed with him… we curl up to each other… but this morning I was just not too happy. Especially when he ended up keeping me awake through all my snoozes.

And so.. my day was off a to a rough start. There’s something weird that happens after a night of little sleep. I’m usually always tired… but then today I throw in the mix of feeling low. I don’t exactly know why… I don’t have a reason to feel that way.  I have days like this.. where there’s not reason to feel down.. I just do. I’m sure it has to do with hormones and such. (For the record… I hate hormones… ).  The good thing is.. today isn’t the worst low day I’ve had recently… so that’s something.

Anyways, I wish something could be done about the snoring.. as does he. We hate not being in bed together.   I feel like we are up against something we cannot control. And I really hate the feelings it brings out in me. It’s certainly not very submissive like.   At the end of the day I’ll always just be human.  I think it’s how I handle said feelings that is important.  I’m not sure that I can change the feelings the come from lack of sleep… though you never know… people are capable of amazing things. I’m still at the beginning of all this… maybe one day it’ll be different. We shall see.