Some time ago… I think my late teens… possibly even my very early twenties… when people said they got off on pain (hurts so good type stuff), I never really understood it.  My brain just couldn’t figure out how pain could be something that felt good. Why would anyone be interested in that? It really made very little sense to me. I didn’t spend much time thinking about it though. Pain was not something that was even in the range of my world then.

So when the years passed and I ventured into the BDSM world… it all began to make sense. It didn’t take long for me to begin to crave it… to need it. I was not so happy when I didn’t get it… I was down right cranky. And just like that… it was one of the big ways I began to define myself. Needing.. wanting… however you want to put it… this was me. Maybe it always was.


Last night was a good night. I got to pick the implement that Ben was going to beat me with…. I chose the cane. It has became my new favorite…. maybe that’s because it is the new kid on the block.  At some point he had me face down on the floor… hitting me over and over. I tried to stay in control of it… but each blow made it harder and harder to manage it.  I knew I could take more… and though it was difficult to handle my peak had not been hit. I knew this because in my mind… I knew if he stopped.. I’d still want more. I wanted to push past the pain… to push past where Ive been taken before.

Ben seemed to be truly enjoying himself. After I had taken an ample amount… he’d reward me with his cock in my cunt. Then the process would start over. Then he talked while he hit me with the cane. He said that each time we played.. he planned on pushing me further than before. He wants to build my pain tolerance and see what I truly can handle.  During and after we were done, he complimented me… telling me how proud he was of what I took. Honestly, I was too. I felt like I took a great deal last night… more than I have in a long time… maybe ever. It’s hard to compare things like that because I’m so deep into what’s going on so that keeps me from thinking about past times.

Nevertheless… I am super excited about pushing my past my current pain threshold. It shall be a very fun undertaking for us both. I see a lot of tears in my future… but good tears.. because I feel so unburdened after.  I so badly want to make him proud of me each time we play. I want to be the one he knows he can dish anything out to.. and that I will not only take it… but love it.

It makes me so glad that I’m able to trust him so deeply in every way. I am grateful I have him to explore this side of me with. He and I have grown so much since we met. I would have never let him hit me with a cane then… I was terrified of them. Now look at us! It just goes to show.. with time… trust and love grow. I’m so lucky.

Goals are good to have… are they not? 🙂