I am helping one of my friends to plan their wedding. I have been spending time looking for ideas and such to help the process… such is the wonderfulness that is the internet. The other day I was in the process of that. I was printing out stuff and trying to organize it for them when I heard Ben pull into the driveway. I can always hear him with the windows open… mainly because his music is really loud. I got up from the computer.. and waited for him at the backdoor.

He came in.. we hugged and kissed. He proceeded to put his stuff down and I wanted to finish up what I was doing. He said he needed a shower… in which I responded with… “just give me a minute… I’m almost done”.  He stood next to me… and I finished up.

We headed to the shower… I was chatting all the way about what I was up to and such. Once we were in the bathroom… and the door was shut… he let me have it. “For future reference… I come before your friends, is that clear?”. Now those words typed out like that don’t sound too harsh… it really was the tone. And not to mention that he had cut me off mid sentence. I was immediately quiet. I knew I was wrong… but the way he said it really hurt my feelings.

Through out the shower… I found myself not saying anything and not being able to look at him.  I felt like he could have told me in a better way… it was never about the content. I should have had my attention to him… and not something else. After all, he had just got home from work.  At the end of the day, I’m always just going to be human… no matter how hard I strive to be the perfect owned sub.

We did end up talking about it briefly later and I got to express my feelings and such. The night proceeded without incident.

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Fast forward to the next morning… I received an email from Ben. It was a revision of my rules. I read through them… going over ones I already had.. till a came upon new ones.

  • Your body is mine and as such, you are not allowed to touch yourself or masturbate without my permission.
  • When I come home, I am what is most important. Whatever you are currently doing can wait until I say you may return to whatever it was.
  • You are required to dish up my plate during meals at home. I will still assist during cooking when needed.
  • You shall kneel on the floor as I change clothes after work.

My heart sank. The one that stood out to me was not being able to touch myself.  I felt so deflated... I mean the idea of not being able to occasionally is appealing.. but all the time? My mind raced... my sex drive is so much higher than his... was he going to allow me to take care of that? I was not liking this idea much.

I told him I got the email… hoping this would open his questioning of my thoughts on it. That never happened. In retrospect, I should have just mentioned it. My mind kept rolling it over… and part of me thought it was really hot… but the other part was still panicking a bit. I tried to focus more on the day’s events that laid ahead of me.. but it was in the back of my mind… taunting me.

I really needed to come to grips with this… this change that I had totally not seen coming.  This was the first really difficult to accept rule I had received. The rest was not a struggle at all. I really felt like I had to process this all… I wanted to be accepting of this without needing to tell him it was so hard for me. I wanted to be able to tell him, if he ever asked, that I had fully embraced this. It’s not that I would have went against the rule… I don’t have to like something to follow the rule.

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After a day or so… especially after being sexually repressed, I finally came around in my mind. I have to romanticize it…. because logically… my brain thinks it should have rights to cum anytime I want. That is just not my reality anymore. I am owned… happily so. I’m quite fulfilled being his… even if it means that I have to request permission to get off.

I’ve come to realize that he is not going to deny me unless there is a damn good reason. He knows how I get and what I need… he is not going to take that away from me for the sole purpose of just being mean. Any denial will have a purpose… I am sure of that. And so I am laying aside my fear of not having it… and putting my trust in my owner.  He has not steered me wrong yet… and I don’t expect that he will. He has my complete faith.

I find myself feeling more and more like a slave… and less like  a sub. I know that it’s just a title.. and it is subjective to interpretation. Each person has their own idea of what a slave is. I just feel like as each day passes.. the more owned I am… the more control he has over me. I love it.  It still amazes me how well we’ve moved into this… how settled and content we are in our roles. I wonder why we didn’t come to this sooner.. though… in that thought… that is pointless. We didn’t… and that’s okay. It gave us time to build a solid relationship in which to begin our journey.

So that’s that… it took a little bit to accept but I feel pretty good about it now.  I like when he exerts his authority over me. And that… is a good thing.

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