A bad week for me indeed.

I’m in trouble… again. I find myself being very frustrated in myself. All I want is to make him happy… follow his rules… and I don’t know why I am struggling so much. I’m not willfully disobeying him… it just happens. I’m trying.. I really am… though I’m sure it’s starting to appear otherwise.

We had went to a going away party for a co-worker of mine. We had some drinks and hung out a bit before heading home to make dinner. I was tired… and have been for whatever reason all week long. I drug myself off the couch and started dinner. After we ate… I got up to put my plug in. I realized then.. that I had failed to strip down to only a tshirt and thong. I took my capris off and headed to our room to put my plug in hoping that he hadn’t noticed. In my head I hoped that if he had… the fact that I’d now be pantless would do the trick.

I laid down to put in my plug and was joined by him. He took over the task of putting in my plug and I wasn’t really sure what to make of it. I went with it and laid there as he had his own style of putting it. By the time he was done.. he was hard and had me roll over so that he could fill my mouth. Minutes passed… and he asked if I knew what rule I had broken. My heart sunk.

This was not the first time I’d failed to follow this rule (which seems to a theme of mine…). Same as with the last time I didn’t remember to wear my plug he was going to punish me harder… which he explained. He walked over and grabbed the cane… I cringed. My poor bruised ass was not going to like this much. He told me to focus only on his cock… and that was it. Ben went to work on my ass… each swat seeming like they were worse. I tried very hard not to panic… or be loud but it was very difficult.

I had been wanting sex… craving it… but this is not what I had in mind so when he finally decided to use my cunt… it wasn’t that warm fuzzy feeling. He kept hitting me with the cane.. mostly on my ass… and some on my thighs. I felt somewhat overwhelmed… my head was all over the place. I was so disappointed in myself… and part of me was upset that he was punishing me… even if I knew that I wasn’t really mad at him. It was my defense mechanism. That defense came crashing down when he told me I couldn’t cum… I fell to pieces… and the tears started to flow.This, of course, didn’t stop him. I love how he uses me for what he wants… but hate that I get so little out of it. I want to be selfish and taken care of as well.. but this certainly wasn’t what I needed or was going to get.

There was some more sucking… some more beating… and then it was onto the wire hanger. Four swats landed on my ass… and caused l more tears to fall down my warm cheeks. I was a mess to say the least… if he had asked me to talk more… I doubt I really could have. I was crawling inside of myself… into a mental ball… to block out all the bad feelings I had.

And.. just when I thought we were almost done… he lubed up.. and slammed into my ass. Normally I would love this… totally lose myself in feeling him inside of me… but I couldn’t. He pounded away… till it was starting to get uncomfortable. The lube had lessened… and I couldn’t relax. It was a fine line between pleasure and pain… I couldn’t tell the difference. I cried… and whined… and hoped it would end soon.

When he finally came… I laid there.. used up.. ass in the air… bent over the corner of the bed. He pulled me up to him and wrapped his arms around me. I felt shell shocked… like I was there… but not completely. I felt used up and exhausted. Normally we lay in bed and cuddle after sex… but this didn’t happen. He said we should go shower and off we went. Little stuff like that… makes me sad. I walked slowly…. and he ended starting the shower. I sat on the toilet.. trying to get my bearings as I heard the water fall. I cried some more… soft sobs…. the quiet ones when you don’t want anyone to hear.

I managed to get in the shower… weak as I was. Ben put me under the water… and then began lovingly bathing me. He cleaned me from head to toe before he washed himself. He hugged me and made sure I was okay. Physically I was… even if I was sore… mentally.. I was still spinning. I didn’t want to talk to him… didn’t want to explain what was going on in my head.. nothing. I just wanted it to be behind me.

When I got out.. I grabbed the laundry and started a load of clothes in the washer. I busied myself… to keep from crying… to move forth. It was hard…. and I hoped that he wouldn’t ask me what I was thinking. It took a hour before that happened. I had sat there the whole time… trying to process. I wasn’t angry… there was no reason to be… I was just… sad.

When he asked… I was laying on him… his arms wrapped around me… keeping me safe.  I tried  to tell him what was going on up that that brain of mine… but the words weren’t coming. I was having a hard time pulling it all together… making sense of it… it was such a jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings. He kept pushing though.. not satisfied until I exposed myself to him. As it should be.  It was difficult to really convey but I did my best. He told me he thought he went a little hard on me.. I don’t think I really agree. I think sometimes you need tough lessons… they make impressions. Maybe I agree in the sense that the crime didn’t fit the punishment… but I don’t think he wrongfully punished me.. and I don’t think it was excessive. I think he has ever right to punish harder each time I break the same rule.

Needless to say… he said that we’re both learning.. and we are. We are both new to this… it will take time to figure it all out. I think we have a good start…. but we are bound to stumble from time to time.  I still love him… and would follow him anywhere he will lead me. My trust in him has not faltered.  I trust his judgment and place my life in his capable hands. No one is perfect.

I went to bed last night feeling better about it… though that took some time. It took talking to him about it… to make it better. It just goes to show… communication is the key. I feel lucky to have an owner that loves me enough to punish me when I’m wrong… and love me still right after. That cares about my well being… and looks after me when I’m in pieces. I could not ask for a better owner.

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