It’s not been a good week for my behavior apparently.

I don’t want to write this post.. I just assume move on from it and let it become a terrible distant memory. That… is not going to happen though.  This didn’t happen because I decided to do something.. or forgot for that matter…. it happened because I poorly calculated something. I don’t normally do stuff like that.. I’m usually really good at this particular thing (and no, I don’t want to share exactly what happened). I know why it happened… and what I have to do to keep it from happening again.

It all came on in a hurry… something unexpected and was found out in the most innocent of ways. My initial reaction was to defend myself and some how deflect it… after all, I wasn’t the only one that has done something like this… why should I be the only one to get in trouble for it? I’ll tell you why… because he is in charge.. and I am not. I put up a bit of a fight at first than thought better of it… biting my tongue and leaving the room.

I ended up in our bed… laying there with a million thoughts running through my head… I felt terrible about it and really wanted to be mad at something other than myself. Ben followed me into the room laying down beside me… which I didn’t want. I didn’t want him to lay next to me… to make me feel worse than I did. I wanted him to go away and let me process.  Again.. this wasn’t going to happen… I just had to deal with it…. I didn’t have to like it though. I closed myself off.. trying to keep distance between us. I knew him being there would only make me cry. I cry when I’m overwhelmed… if I’m mad or hurt… its my way of processing things. This time was no different.

He didn’t lash out at me… he pulled me close… I knew he was upset… I know I would have been. He had every right to be mad at me. I hate upsetting or letting him down. It makes me feel like crap… and I don’t like that feeling.  We briefly talked about it… why it happened and he told what I needed to do to fix it… the tears were still rolling down my cheek. And then he said it… words I didn’t anticipate… it wasn’t a rule that I broke… but that didn’t make it any less of a reason to punish me. When he said he was going to…. my cry intensified… maybe because I felt like I was beating myself up enough already… or maybe because my already bruised ass didn’t want to take the brunt of what was coming. Either way… I didn’t like the idea.

After I calmed down a bit… he wanted to get up… each of us getting up out of different sides of the bed. We met at the end of the bed and hugged. He asked me if I was ready… which only caused all the same feelings to come back… I said I wasn’t. He said that it is best just to get it over with… I honestly didn’t know what was worse. It really didn’t matter though… it was coming… best just do it. I bent over and took four swats from the wire hanger. They hurt immensely… but I get the distinct impression he was trying hard to stay away from the bruises that were already there… I could be wrong.

I went and made breakfast after that… I felt terrible… still recoiling into myself… not wanting to face anything. On top of it… today is his birthday.. and all I could think about was how I ruined his birthday (also something I never do… birthdays are special to me).  It’s weird to me how he can so easily move past something I’ve done wrong… to move on with the day as if nothing happened.  Not me, I hold onto it… roll it over and over in my head.. feeling bad about it… wondering how I can change it… wondering what he’s thinking.  Sometimes I think we are our own worst enemy and critic. Maybe he knows that I beat myself up for stuff… and that’s why his punishments aren’t as intense as they could be.

Here’s to hoping that things improve soon… as I really don’t want to be in even more trouble.

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