Before I met Ben… I started drinking nothing but water. It didn’t take long for me to get used to not drinking pop… I kinda liked the way ice cold water tasted. Of course, it had to be just that… ice cold.. or else it lost its luster in my eyes.

Somewhere in the years we’ve been together, I’ve lost that drive to drink water. I would still drink it at work.. but when I got home, I found it very hard to not drink other things… if I drank anything at all. It got to a point where I was having one drink after I got home a day… sometimes two. I just couldn’t bring myself to drink anything. I don’t really know why either.. it’s just the way it was.  I could see it was problem… it certainly wasn’t good for me. I asked for a water rule. It’s silly that I’d need that sort of motivation… but somehow in my head it made it easier if it was something I had to do.

Yesterday I slept in. I had the day off without Ben… and so when I got up.. I had breakfast and a little glass of pop. I had planned on taking the kids and my nephew to the movies just after one… and was just relaxing till then.  I knew I’d better get a start on water consumption for the day and so I went to get the glass I had been using the night before.  The glass was half full.

The glass being half full meant one thing… I hadn’t finished my final glass for the day. I had left it when we walked to watch the fireworks the city puts on and had planned on finishing it when I got home. I, of course, got distracted when I got home and completely forgot. It’s not an excuse… I didn’t do what I was supposed to… that’s just the way it went down.

I sighed… and knew what I had to do.. even if I didn’t want to. (I seem to get myself punished for the silliest of things… damn being forgetful!). I sent him a picture of the glass and told him I didn’t drink all of my glasses from the day before. He questioned why I was just finding this out… why I had just started drinking something for the day.  I reminded him that I’d only been up for a hour and explained that I’d had a small glass of something else. He said I knew what was coming… no matter how much I wished he’d have forgiven it and let it go.. I know that isn’t what I signed up for.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

The whole day went without a hitch… went to the movie.. came home and did some yard work. I didn’t think much about my impending punishment until he was on his way home. I wondered if he was going to deal with it when he got home.. or wait till bedtime. I wasn’t going to ask.

He got home and we showered… he didn’t mention anything about it.. and nothing happened. The more the night progressed I found myself quiet… nothing was particularly wrong but I know that knowing that I was going to be punished was playing a role in my silence. This wasn’t something I realized at the time… but after thinking back on the whole day.

Bedtime came… and I could feel the fear overcome me. I brushed my teeth.. hoping he’d forget. I worried that if he did forget and I didn’t remind him that the punishment would only be that much worse. I sat on the bed… leaving my collar on purposefully (I don’t sleep with it on). Something in me just didn’t feel right without it on while I was punished. I was quiet still… my mind racing a mile a minute- anyone who’s been in trouble with their owner knows what I’m talking about.

He readied his clothes for the next day then swung the door shut. He made a noise at me… I replied the same noise… frozen in my spot… unable to move. He made the noise again.. and this time.. I climbed out of bed. I moved the cat off the corner where I was to bend over, laying across the mattress. He said nothing. He swatted me twice with the wire hanger.. taking my breath away each time. I didn’t cry… I tried hard not to make a sound at all… I didn’t move. And with that… it was over. He told me to get into bed.

I laid there feeling the sting of the hanger on my ass.. all warm against the sheet. He hadn’t lectured me… nothing… and yet I felt very chastised.  I kept my silence… thinking about it all… thinking about my lack of action. I kind of wanted him to talk to me… to tell me how disappointed he was… why following this rule was important… and so on. Something. I’m not sure if him saying nothing is worse… or if him talking to me is. I felt like I needed more… but I think that’s just my way of beating myself up over not complying with my rule.

I felt like I’d been doing really good with this one.. but I guess everyone slips up from time to time. I just have to keep trying to do my best. I know why it’s important… I know it’s good for me. I really don’t have that many rules… not that much that is expected of me… and so when I do mess up… I feel pretty bad about it.  There’s no quick fix for this one… the only way to complete it.. is just to do it.   Here’s to hoping I stay on top of it.

Advertisements