I am not a fan of change… never have been. I am a creature of habit… and luckily so is Ben. Even the smallest of changes drive me crazy… like when people rearrange things at work. I just kind of stand there and look at it… and even if its a better arrangement, I don’t like it. It makes me feel out of my element. Over time.. I do come around because sooner or later it becomes the norm… but till that evolution takes place, I just am not too thrilled.

There has been few things that have changed that I was excited about or embraced fully from the get go. When I moved to where we live now… I moved 3,000 + miles to do so. The thing is.. I wanted that change… maybe even needed it. I was so happy to be somewhere new… it never felt bad. Turns out it was one of the best decisions I ever made. It made my current life possible- which in my books is the best thing ever.

That leads me to our current life altering change. I asked for this. I wanted him to own me…. so badly that even sometimes I didn’t really notice how much I desired it. I can remember the day I said something… the fear of telling him how I felt…. it was truly difficult to say it. I mean, what if he didn’t want the same? What if it made him feel bad? Which is certainly a silly thing… because I know I can tell Ben anything… and I’m safe in doing so. He is my best friend… and is not scary at all (unless he has something in his hand that has a hell of a bite to it!). Even though I trusted (and still do obviously) him… it was still hard to step out of my comfort zone…. to ask for change.

When we decided to go through with it… I thought it would be a difficult transition. All along I had this preconceived notion that being owned would mean giving up my decisions of sorts. I always assumed this would be hard for me… knowing who I am… and how stubborn I can be. I was willing to explore it, though- to let this chapter of our life take its own course.

I got to thinking the other day… of how different things don’t actually feel. I mean, there are a few differences… but they don’t feel like a stretch for me. This made me wonder if all along our relationship had been on this path before we even decided. I wondered if we had naturally been going along… and just settled into a certain pattern of being.  I could be wrong… but that’s the way it feels to me.

So this decision we’ve made…. just feels normal. I don’t feel that panic I normally feel when things take a new turn. Perhaps that has to do with my overwhelming need to control things (other than my marriage)… who knows. All I know is I feel good. This time… change is good.

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