It started off innocent enough… at least, that’s what I thought. I had felt the day before… a little… I can’t really explain it. I guess what I really wanted… was to be contained. I’m assuming this is because going from such strong holds.. to more freedom just didn’t sit right for me. I liked feeling controlled.

So, I didn’t think anything of asking for more control. It seemed like the right thing to do… to ask for what I was needing. Little did I know that it’d be taken completely different than I had meant it.

I texted him yesterday morning.. told him what I was thinking. I couldn’t really explain it.. what I was needing. He asked if it was more rules.. and my only assumption was that must be it. We messaged back and forth sparsely… mainly because I was working.

By the time I got home with some groceries…. I was met by something unexpected. I came in and put the bags on the washer. I went to the spot where I am supposed to meet him and knelt. He came up with a smile.. I smiled back. He asked me how I was…. and I was good… I didn’t have a reason not to be good.

Ben hugged me then kissed me. Before I knew it… my shirt was coming off then my bra. He circled around and unbuttoned my pants taking them done to around my knees. He pushed me back down so that I was on my hands and knees. That’s when the first hit landed. One swat on my ass cheek. Then.. back and forth till it was taking my breath away.

When he had his fill he nudged me and told me shower. I went to get up but only managed to get halfway off the floor before he told me he didn’t say I could get up. I started to crawl towards the shower… as it was obvious he wanted me to go quickly. The problem was my new phone was in my pocket and I was terrified of breaking it with my knee.. and so I paused long enough to take it out.

Once in the bathroom… I turned on the shower.

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“I’m going to beat you…. and you’re going to ask for more”

After our shower, we went to the bedroom. This is where it is somewhat of a blur. I was bombarded with blows from the flogger mingled with sucking his cock and being fucked. The window was open so I was under strict instruction to be quiet. It was pretty obvious (and he did end up telling me), that this was a lesson. He was proving to me he was indeed in charge… and wanted to erase any question that he wasn’t.

He was hitting hard and with intent bringing me to the tears. It was the release he knew I needed… even if I didn’t. When he felt I had enough (or maybe he didn’t.. just wanted to hear me ask for more), he’d ask if I needed more. I, of course, asked for more.  So…. he continued.

The things that flowed from his mouth were the things I needed to hear. I needed him to exert his dominance of me… in sheer force and words. To center my mind and body. But he had to take it further….. past where I was sated… to where he thought I needed to go. A reminder when I started to forget of sorts.

“I’m going to leave some marks on your ass with the wire hanger… ones that will be around a couple days so that you’ll remember the lesson you learned today. Are you ready?”, Ben asked.

In my head… for one of the only times I’ve thought this… I was thinking please don’t hit me again. So news of the wire hanger frightened me. I knew it was going to have that breath taking bite… over and over. I felt a wave of panic come over me… tears still streaming down my face. He kept telling me to breathe… and gave me a pillow to scream into.

I don’t think I would have ever been ready but I tried to collect myself through my sobs. I asked for a break between hits which was responded with him reasserting that he would take care of me. It was a brief moment of not trusting… something rare for me. I’ve laid my care in his hands dozens and dozens of times… why would this moment be different? Fear is a funny thing.. the unknown is scary. Not knowing the level in which he was going to take me to.. scared me. And yet, I laid there… I breathed… and I took it.

Hit after hit came… and he gave me a brief break in between. I cried harder with each strike. It hurt worse with each one… and it was hard not to panic… to stay in place. I am a determined girl…. I want to take anything he gives me. To push past my fear… past the pain. This is just what I did… even if it was so very hard.

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After.. I felt the weight of worry… of not feeling so controlled…melt away to knowing I was indeed controlled even when it isn’t so obvious. Being owned is a state of being… active or not. Not every moment of my day is going to prove such things… its knowing it in my heart and mind that I am indeed owned.

This wasn’t about pleasure… even though I do derive pleasure out of pain… out of taking what is given…. but about a lesson.. a reminder. He needed to show me that I obviously was doubting. In my mind… it wasn’t doubt though… it didn’t feel like doubt. I wasn’t thinking he wasn’t doing his job… but I can see how that is the impression I gave. Perhaps in my head I was needing to be shown… even if I didn’t know that’s what my asking for more control meant.

Submitting isn’t about being controlled in the way beta sees fit….. its in how the owner sees fit. Trying to dictate that in a way is just trying to hold onto control. It wasn’t my intention… I was just trying to share what I thought I needed… what was on my mind. I guess in a way I was successful in what I was seeking… it just didn’t come about in the way I thought it would. His girl… his terms.

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