>When I go to bed at night and am laying there before I fall asleep… I tend to think. I think about things I want to do the next day… or about our next vacation… something that is bothering me.. what have you. Last night I was laying there… and at first my mind was on the fact that I wanted sex and yet my body was not wanting to go along with this. I’m very much not happy about it.. but between us… I think it is time to change that tonight *grins*

Anyways.. back to what I was trying to start talking about.

So I’m laying there and I decided it was not good to frustrate myself further. My mind wandered to various things till it finally came to rest on something that isn’t always in the fore front of my mind. All my life I have wanted to be exceptionally good at something… anything. (Not sexual). No matter how hard I’ve worked at something…. I have never achieved that status.

As far back as I can remember, I have wanted to be a good singer…. well not just good but a great singer that can wow people with just a sound out of my mouth. When I was a little girl, my mother told me that I would go out and sing to the cows. We lived next to my Dad’s cousin’s farm… and so I would go out there and sit and sing. I don’t remember this… but I know it must be true.

Hell, the most prominent picture from my childhood that comes to my mind is one that I am pretend singing in. I believe I was around four. I was standing on my bed… all my stuffed animals around the perimeter as my audience. I had my “microphone”…. or jump rope as it sometimes was…. cute little thing.. in shorts and a tank top… curly brown hair… singing my heart out.

So it has always been a love of mine… and honestly, I’m a decent singer… but by no means will I be going to stand in the audition line for American Idol. Even if I were as good as I wanted… I wouldn’t even have the nerve to do that. But that’s a different story.

Which brings me to another thing I wish I was good at. Photography. Now see… I think this is something you are born with… the eye of an artist.. that can see the world as he or she portrays in the picture. I just don’t have that in me… and I so wish I did. I drool over amazing pictures and wish that I have a tenth of their talent. It doesn’t matter how many classes I could take.. I will never have that eye for it.

And now I sit and think back at all the things I tried as I grew up… softball… band….writing… and I just never hit that amazing mark. I realize that we are our own worst critic… but I feel its more realistic than anything. I mean, I pride myself in my job… I think I’m good at it. People tell me that I am. BUT…. could I but out a perfectly intricate fondant wedding cake? Not a chance. I could come close… but I will never be the artist that I want to be.

I’m not saying I won’t continue trying… because I will… because its something that I want. I guess what it comes down to… is that I just don’t want to be average… I want to be something more… and I’m just not sure that I know how to do that.

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