>I was.. and maybe still am.. reluctant to write this post. Its deep and raw… a glimpse into my mind. I figured.. what the hell do I have to lose… and now I’m writing.

I went to a baby shower today. I adore the woman.. she is one of my closest friends. With all the IUD issues I’ve been having and the possibility of pregnancy in my mind… it is really no wonder why I’m feeling a bit upside down right now.

I have been going back and forth on this whole baby issue. I have always swayed more towards no way than to a yes. Part of me thinks that it wouldn’t be so bad to have another child… that it would be wonderful to carry another baby… to bring a life that into the world that is ours. But in that same thought.. I think of how much that would change. And deep down.. I am terrified it will change my relationship.. that it will put a wedge between us instead of bringing us closer.

Silly.. yes… but that is my irrational fear. Out there for the world to see… this is me… this is who I am.

From one moment to another I just never know what I’ll be feeling or thinking. This inner turmoil is hard for me. Very hard. Tonight has been difficult on my emotions… my mind is running in several different ways.

It occurred to me tonight.. that.. at some point.. I think I’ve lost sight of who I am. I’ve prided myself for so long for knowing who I am… and what I want… but in this moment.. I don’t. I was this confident.. sexual… woman. Right now.. I don’t feel like that person. My sexuality defines a lot of who I am. Lame? Perhaps. And right now… I feel kind of numb. I feel consumed. I liked being that person… I felt good as that person.. free… I felt that there was no limit to what I could do and experience.

I’m not sure what to do… I want to say this all ties into the whole IUD thing.. and if that is the case.. then I seriously need to make some huge decisions and do something permanent. I honestly do not want to go through this again… this whole experience has been very trying- very draining.

I want things to just return to how they were. I don’t think that is too much to ask. It just goes to show how I’m not a woman of change.. I like things to stay the way they are. I like the known because the unknown scares the shit out of me.

I really hate that this is the turn my blog has taken. But. It’s real. It’s life.. just the way it is.. no fiction.. no story. If I had it in me.. I’d write sexy stories all the time.. but I don’t. This is what my life in this moment… like it or not.