>Throughout my young life… I have been through a lot in my opinion. Lots of this was by my own design… but some of it was out of my hands. There are three people from my past…. people who have betrayed me in major ways. I know there’s that saying… it’s easier to forgive, but forgetting is the hard part. This is where I have a problem… I’m having a hard time forgiving AND forgetting. Granted, I don’t think of these people and those things everyday.. but they are always there in my head.

One of these people was my best friend of many years. We met in grade school… first grade to be exact. We were friends all the way up until I was 19. This girl is complicated… and I’m not all together sure that she really understands what she wants from life. She had sex with my ex while he and I were together and subsequently got pregnant. She ended up miscarrying apparently.

I didn’t find out about these things until like two years later. Naturally I was furious with both of them. But you see, this is not the first time she had wronged me…. this was just in a long line of wrongings… and even after I continued talking to her (my fault here) if she promised never to have contact with my ex ever again, she still went behind my back. They still talked on the sly for almost a year.

Now see… this is my dumb ass fault for not dropping both of them. I have no excuse for such poor judgment. After some time, though, I did finally drop them both. It’s funny that I feel more betrayed by her than him.. perhaps because in the grand scheme of things, she meant more to me. We had been “friends” for so long… been through so much. It was just so hard for me to believe she would do that.

From that time.. I’ve never been able to forgive her…. she still emails me from time to time. I’m not sure what she expects… if she thinks that she just keeps trying that one day I will come around and invite her back into my life. I just can’t do that… every inch of me says that this is the wrong thing to do… and so I won’t.

However, there is a part of me that says… its just not worth hanging onto. That this kind of hate is not worth what it consumes inside of you. I’ve toyed with the idea of emailing her… and forgiving her… to let it go… for me. The thing is.. I don’t want to forgive her.. I don’t want to forget what she did to me. I know that if I did email her.. it would start as a forgiving task.. and end up freaking out on her about all the ways it went bad- which would completely void the purpose.

The crazy thing about her is that… out of the three.. she is the most forgivable. The other two.. I would never consider doing so. The idea of it is just so unthinkable… it makes me almost sick to utter. I know that sounds dramatic… but I assure you… its not.

One of them is an ex… my first real relationship. I was young.. very young in fact. We fought all the time… we were like oil and water.. we did not mesh at all. Six months into our relationship… he started hitting me and continued to do so for just over a year. Again, I gave up my power and decided not to leave… my fault completely. I allowed for the events to play out… events that would leave a dark spot in my heart till this day. The whole story is painful to tell… in fact, so painful that I can never retell it without crying so hard my head hurts.

So.. I won’t retell it. But.. I will tell… the third person plays into this story as well…

The good news is… out of all of this… I have learned many things… and am a stronger person. I surround myself with good people now. One’s that I trust and love… which is important I think. I wish I could be a strong enough person to forgive… I just don’t have that sort of power inside of me. That is a short coming of mine I’m sure…. one I have to live with. I just wish I could.

Advertisements